Saturday, April 19, 2014

An Easter Egg Story

Easter was my favourite Holiday as a child. I got to dress up really pretty, with white lace gloves, ribbons in my hair and on my socks and around my dress! I always just felt so very pretty come Easter time and the candies and the multi-coloured, beautiful eggs were simply divine! There was always a sublimity, I felt, about Easter that couldn't be found around other Holidays.

My most profound Easter memory is one that runs deep and that you would probably appreciate me sharing with you. You'll probably say you've learned something at the end of this article. I learn something and remind myself about what I have learned, every time that I recall this single Easter memory. It is definitely worth the share.

It was an Easter egg hunt at church. All of us Sunday School kids needed to find the hidden Easter eggs, tucked away in secret by our Sunday School teacher. Now listen closely here... while I was excited to begin the egg hunt, I was also mortified. I wanted to be just happy; but I couldn't be. And then everything around me seemed to turn to slow mo. Slow motion. The laughter of my classmates, the excitement all around— there was a sick feeling in my stomach. I somehow knew that I would find all the eggs immediately, leaving nothing at all for any of my classmates. That knowledge alone, for some reason, made me feel almost guilty! Like I was about to do something very wrong because I knew that they would all end up feeling very disappointed if all the eggs happened to go to me!

"On your mark! Get set! Go!" And everyone ran screaming around the church grounds! I just began to walk slowly, picking up the eggs around, it was way too easy for me and I really didn't even have to look for them, at all! So I walked very slowly, while everyone else ran around frantically! Then it happened! I saw the most beautiful Easter egg, EVER! It was pink and covered in pink glitters! It was right there in front of me! Right there, just right there in front of me! It was too easy! And I stood there and I wanted it so bad! But I wouldn't reach out for it! As I was just about to reach out for it— BAM! A screaming, giggling girl came hurdling by, snatched it up and it was gone forever! Then everything turned to slow mo all over again. Now I felt sick for cheating my own self out of what could have been mine!

I really, really wanted that Easter egg but it's a loss that I will never be able to take back. Unless I somehow go back in time and change what happened, but, that's not the point. The point is what I keep on learning and reminding myself of, from that day. You see, in life, I keep dumbing myself down, wearing myself out, pulling on myself downwards in order to accommodate those around me. And I know that sounds arrogant; but the whole point is for me to just accept that. Because it needs to end. I need to stop doing that. I need to stop letting other people take away my Easter eggs. I need to stop cheating my own self out of the things that I really want to have.

I feel like Elijah Mikaelson in Vampire Diaries, in that scene where he tells his brother Klaus, "If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result each time, then I, in my 1000 years of trying to redeem you, have been insane! But from now on, I am putting an end to this. From now on, I take what is mine. I take what I want." (Something like that) Because really, all I have been doing is the same thing over and over again, expecting something different every time. Expecting people to be kinder next time, expecting them to understand next time, expecting them to not be so selfish, to not be such liars! But of course, I always get the same result from people. At the end of the day— the person I should be redeeming from this world is myself. I wasn't born for the benefit of everyone around me.

It was the same story in sports as I was growing up. I could always run faster and jump farther. I thought I was weird. So I always stopped on the tracks and waited for the others to catch their breath so we could begin running again, altogether this time. I wouldn't jump as far as I could so that my reach wouldn't be too obvious. I wouldn't read in public (but that was because of a different reason; that was because I was just really shy). But the bottom line is: I conformed to everyone around me. I mindfully and purposefully conformed. And that is my biggest mistake in life. Because when you are given a gift, you are supposed to be thankful for it and use it. You're not supposed to hide it under the bed and think that it's weird.

I hope that this Easter story of mine will hit somewhere close to home, in your mind and heart, serve as a source of inspiration and courage for you, and maybe (just maybe) I can stop any other child out there, who is just like how I was, from making the same mistake that I did that Easter Sunday (and again and again after that.) Don't make my mistake. Be what you are.


Diverge the Waters

I was talking to a friend last night and the topic led me to discuss with him why I appreciate the movie Divergent so much.

I appreciate many movies; but Divergent was different. I was amongst the first millions of people in the world to watch it on its first day in cinemas and I came out of that movie house a more assured, confident person! Let me tell you about that.

Random photo of tattoo design from Divergent movie.
Tattoo is not my own. :-)
I think that we grow up and deal with ourselves and with others whilst not realizing that people are created with different traits and that those characteristics are there for a definite purpose. We don't realize this about ourselves and so we often look to others and try to emulate them, or we look at others and we judge them for being so and so way, for thinking such and such things or for having this and that behaviour. We fail to realize that people belong to different "orders." In the movie Divergent, this was made very clear. Everyone belongs somewhere and there is an equal amount of "belongingness" because people are internally crafted for a purpose; for different purposes! But then the storyline delves even deeper into this and shows that ultimately, we have a choice that we need to make. We determine where we belong by making that choice and it's nothing that we need to explain to others. It just means that we have heard our inner calling.

Then, of course, there are the Divergents. The people who exhibit more signs of "belongingness" than just one. All— or nearly all— traits are developed and apparent. Different times and circumstances call unto different names within us. A Divergent can be incredibly selfless but then again can protect oneself and one's loved ones to the death. He or she can also exhibit immense kindness and understanding while at other times producing impressive amounts of intelligence in scientific fields and the like. A Divergent can be ruthless and fearless, while searching and expounding upon the truth of matters. It all depends upon what the situation calls unto, what inner name is being called upon!

I was always so different, that I felt the constant need to explain these differences, or just to explain myself in general, to other people. And people admittedly never understood me, anyway! So I created this circular motion of going round and round but still never feeling understood. Now, though, I see all the things that I do for humanity, as well as for myself and my loved ones, the actions I take and the subjects that I learn— I can see and accept now, that everything inside me is inside me for a reason and I need not try to conform to anything. I'm an adult now, I am no longer in the "formative years" of development wherein I need to be steered into a certain direction. It's time that I accept all the facets of me that are equally strong, equally developed and equally powerful. There's no need to be just one way at all times.

But even being just one way at all times should be a significant realization for many! This means that you are who you are for a purpose! There is a purpose! And you can always choose to follow the inner voice calling, choose another path; but the end goal is to fulfill your destiny and that is what needs to be remembered!

The storyline of the movie seems to be conveying that a Divergent's life will never be easy because the Divergent is constantly breaking through the system simply by existing. What does this mean? I think it can be quite obvious in daily life and daily relationships. When you do not react in expected ways to expected stimuli (forms of manipulation)— that is breaking through the system! When you see beyond and through what has been set up for you to see— that is a breakthrough! And things cannot possibly be easy when you are bending the water and refusing to be bent by it! Not easy— but this is your destiny! And it is not a form of rebellion; it is simply because this is how you are wired. You cannot possibly conform; or maybe you have tried to but you just can't swallow it for too long. "So I am really expected to react in this way to that action? But why should I when I don't feel the need to? When this other way is better for me?" Of course, this has nothing to do with a lack of manners and social awareness. Respect for other people, their property and mannerly conduct in general is a basic ingredient for goodwill and peace.

I know it might sound childish to say that a movie has made me understand and accept myself fully; but it is the truth. And who knows? Perhaps the author of the novels had a deeper plot, all along! What do you think?


Friday, April 4, 2014

Timelapse

Timelapse


I was watching
A timelapse video of the sky
Above a flowing river
The colors changed
Like crazy
The grass blew
In the winds
Of night and day
The sun set
And rose
Over and over again
Like crazy
The river swam
Over the rocks
And around them
Small waves
Like mermaids
The colors and the winds
So crazy, so timelapse
I closed my eyes
Because I’m a timelapse too
Just like that video
Sensations run
Over my skin, my spirit
I’m breathless
You could find an
Ocean within me
And a battalion on a field
You’ll find every sky
That exists
Running, catching up
Flowers stumbling over
Roots
Winds from everywhere
It’s all inside me
I closed my eyes to feel it
Everything moving
Always moving
I think I can feel
My own blood in my veins
It’s moving
Look into my eyes
You’ll see the sun rise
And set
A hundred times in a minute


Copyright © 2014 C. JoyBell C. All rights reserved.


Thursday, April 3, 2014

Anchor

Anchor


She was like a bird
With perfect wingspan
That had
A small, golden anchor 
Tied to its leg
Lightly, it would fly
But in gold 
It was always anchored


Copyright © 2014 C. JoyBell C. All rights reserved.



Proud


Proud


She was most proud 
Of herself
Of the way how
She was always ready
To take everything
With a grain of salt

And she was also proud
About her
Incredible lightness
Of being


Copyright © 2014 C. JoyBell C. All rights reserved.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Shouldn't Be, Shouldn't Be





Shouldn’t Be, Shouldn’t Be


I’m always too brave, too brave
More brave than I
Ever should be

My soul is naked, naked
The same thing as
Wearing no clothes

But I’m the only one
Who’s naked
Everyone else is clothed

I shouldn’t be, I shouldn’t be
I should be clothed
And not brave

At least not too brave


Copyright © 2014 C. JoyBell C. All rights reserved.