The Virtue In Unforgiveness

       I have been pondering upon the virtue of unforgiveness. It is a very startling realisation to have, a very enlightening discovery to make! Especially because we are all always pointed into the direction of forgiveness as the answer to all of our woes. We all believe, all the time, that forgiveness will save us. We have a million and one quotes on the subject, too! So it's been a very groundbreaking discovery for me to find that unforgiveness has its own virtue!
       We try so hard to feel warmness in our hearts, towards people who have wronged us in ways that render them non-deserving of that warmth. We go on and on, year after year, telling ourselves we are "better people" because we have extended our grandeur upon those who hurt us, who misled us... we throw our "grandeur" over them and cloak them like we would cloak one in a blanket! Explaining away all their actions towards us, explaining away why they wronged us... extending ourselves, forcing ourselves to be graceful with them in our thoughts every time we remember them... when in fact what we should be doing is just forgetting them!
       What we need to be doing is forgetting! Not really forgiving! Because some people don't deserve it! But they do deserve to be forgotten! And you deserve to forget them! When you try to cover your eyes with a filter of lovingkindness towards those who wronged you in ways that have negatively affected your outlook in life, in order to be a better person than they are, you are really putting yourself up to a struggle. In the first place, you don't need to try and prove that you are a better person than anyone! And doing so will probably put you in a worse place than they are in! Life's no good when you live it trying to prove that you're better than other people! You've got to create your own moments and live in them!
       There is a virtue to be found in unforgiveness. There is virtue to be found in this particular lack of virtue. When I allow myself to see what exactly a person has done and how exactly a person has wronged me, instead of covering myself up in order to accommodate them, I am able to free myself from bondage! They say that forgiveness frees you from bondage, and that is true, but there are certain times when a lack of forgiveness is what is going to free you from bondage.
       Some people have to be let go of, not because you forgive them and extend yourself for them, but because you forget them, because they are worth forgetting!

The Way Of The Wildflower

       When I think of the word, "wild", I think of the wildflowers. They have not been cut or altered, they are rooted in the soil, with petals blowing in the winds. I am wild in heart, in that I see myself as a wildflower, a wild rose in the untouched fields.

       We are taught by society to welcome into our lives the potential for being hurt, because doing so is to ensure that we "live a full life". Why is it that we are either so religious that we forget to live or we are so afraid to die that we forget to cherish our wildness? Our wildness isn't our recklessness; but our wildness is our untouched parts. The parts that are still out there in the fields.

       The truth is that a wound leaves a scar, the truth is that when we are hurt, the effects of that pain are things that we are going to carry around in ourselves and that we are going to use as blinders over our eyes, as filters through which we see everything that follows. When you throw yourself into situations where you could get hurt, you are not only putting your present moment at risk; but you are putting your whole future at risk, because you will carry with you any wounds that you may incur. 

       I have always said that we should throw ourselves out into the open, and yes, I did mean that. But I meant that in a physical way. To literally go out into the open world with a plane ticket or a train ticket. But when it comes to our souls, when it comes to our hearts, we must acknowledge that the scars we incur, though not visible to the naked eye, are in fact there, embedded where they were carved! 

       It's not thrill that you need to seek in your mind, it's not danger that you need to seek for your heart. I am concerned for the generation that believes that they do not live unless they hurt, that they do not live unless they break. No, do not be mistaken, to be hurt and to be broken are not to be wild! To be wild is to be untouched, out there in the fields that man has not yet seen! 

       The desire needs to be, to have a wild heart. A soul that runs with the wild horses, a soul that can speak to the spirits of the trees... not one that is mired by heartbreak after heartbreak; not one that is stained by shame and abuse. There is another way to live, my dear. There is the way of the wildflower.

       Make the right choices. The choices that hurt no one, not even yourself. And yes, one must take chances on things like love, and there is always the risk... but seek to find something in order to keep it; not in order to play with it or in order to thrill in it. It is our intentions that must be wild, that must be untouched. Guard your heart from the wicked.

Copyright © 2015 C. JoyBell C. All rights reserved. 

What's The Secret?

       I often receive emails from other authors, asking me what my "secret" is. They wonder why so many people know me and they want to know how I do it, so that they may try my style for themselves, too. I also receive this same manner of inquiry from aspiring authors, because they would like to aspire to become like me one day when they do become authors. So, I wanted to address this particular inquiry once and for all, in a formal little writing, explaining the answers to this.
       I believe that I intrigue other authors and aspiring authors, because I seem to be apparently different. And this is indeed true, I can explain this difference. The difference here, is that I don't write in order to build something for myself; but I write because I am a writer, because I have a message to speak, because I have a fire in my heart that I must share with others. Yes, I do work hard because I believe in working hard and it's that simple. But I don't work hard in order to one day be on Oprah, or in order to one day be famous. Was it not I myself, who once said, "Do not yearn to be popular; be exquisite. Do not desire to be famous; be loved. Do not take pride in being expected; be palpable, unmistakable."?  Because what I said is what I believe in and is how I work and how I live and what I aspire for. I think that this aphorism of mine embodies the big difference between the way that I am a writer and the way that others are writers. I have noticed a type of self-absorption that is evident amongst other personalities of note, who describe themselves with many adjectives. I mean, sure, many of the things that I write are about me, too, but I don't actually use adjectives, have you noticed that? I describe myself through how I feel pain, how I feel joy, how I desire to laugh, how I dream, how I envision the future for this world... visions, dreams, pains and loves... I don't just slap an adjective on my name and then try to embody that. I in fact am sharing the process of living my life, through the things that I write, which are about me. I'm not actually "describing" myself; rather, I am living myself. Now, right here— look here— right here lies the great difference, the great big chasm that sets me apart from the rest— I am not living towards, or through, a description that I wish to attain or to be known for; rather, I am living to feel and to be felt. To be palpable and to be in touch with what is in turn palpable. I want to know people and I want people to know me.
       Of course, I do want to earn money through my craft, because, this is a valuable asset in life— to be able to earn a valuable amount of money through the craft of one's own hands. This is a part of the richness of living and it's something I seek for, yes. But I see myself as an artisan, someone humbly working with her own hands, putting together invisible cities for people to live in, and building invisible cities within the souls of people, everywhere! That's how I picture myself. So I have really not been thinking of what I should come across as, what I should look like, how I should "become successful", but rather, I have been thinking about how to form the work in my hands to my best ability to do so. So, as you can see, in my mind's eye, I am an artisan. A sculptor, a mason. A builder. I'm thinking about the cement that's in front of me, the tools that I have to work with, the clay and the bricks. That's where I am in my mind, when I work.
      I'd like to leave you with a quote by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, which sounds a lot like the things that I usually say, but is particularly applicable for wrapping up this post with: "It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for - and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool - for love - for your dreams - for the adventure of being alive." And on that note, I hope that I have left you with a lot to think about and I hope that in your time of contemplating on these things, you will find the answer to the question that you so often like to ask me. :)

C. Bells

Don't Live In The Moment

       I have conversations with my son. Many, in-depth conversations on arcane knowledge and insight for life. I said in my previous article that I am a lenient mother, I talked about how I am not clingy and how I do not put restrictions on my son. I do realise how that sounds, but allow me to expound upon that. Yes, what I said is factual, but that doesn't go to say that I don't teach him anything. I would consider myself to be an utter and absolute failure, if, I were able to teach the world many things but not be able to teach my son anything. I would rather teach my son everything and the world nothing, than the other way around. There are many people who want to change the world, and in doing so, have forgotten that the most profound thing that you can do in life, is to love those whom you ought to love and to be a positive part of their lives. I will never agree with the belief that we ought to give up our children or our loved ones for the greater benefit of mankind. If others wish to do that, then so be it, it is their belief; but it is not my belief and I will not do that. I will love whom I love and I will care for them. Then out of that overflow, I will also care for the world. This is what I have always been doing, anyway. The world has never come first.
       So, as I was saying, what I do is I have conversations with my son. I've never seen him as too young to learn about things that normally are reserved for adults to learn about. I've taught him insight since a very young age. I've taught him the things I teach all of you, before I tell you about them. So this morning I was talking to him over breakfast, about building for the future and how to not live in the moment. Yes, you read that right— how to not live in the moment. Let me share my converation with my son, with all of you...

       "You know how they always say that you need to live in the moment? Well that's not true. In a way, it is true, in the way that we feel and soak up the moment that we are living in and feel these moments to the full extent— is the way that we may live in the moment. But when it comes to everything else, we need to know that we are in fact not living for the moment because everything that we do now builds up towards what we will be living in, in the future. What you build today, is going to be the structure that you live in, tomorrow. And tomorrow is going to come; one day, tomorrow isn't going to be tomorrow anymore because it's going to be your "today" and what structure are you going to find yourself living in when tomorrow becomes your today? Because that structure that you're going to find yourself in, is the structure that you build right now, the structure that you work on right now. Look at people who live for the moment with no thought of tomorrow— when they arrive at their futures, they're not going to find anything when they get there... because today they've lived only for today!
       It's a very magical thing that we are able to do, you see. In our physical world, we can only build things with the materials that we can now see, right now, and for now. But when it comes to time and space, it's amazing how we can build a structure in the future, with materials that we work on right now. We are building right now— but our structures are being set up in another time, in the future! So when you work now and what you work on now, is a work that you are building in the future and when you arrive there, it will already be there for you and when you look back, you'll see all the work that you've done. Remember how you were accepted into Charles University middle school, because your grades were so great from your previous school? What do you think would have happened if your grades weren't so great at first? Do you think they would have immediately accepted you with no need for interviews and entrance exams? They wouldn't, you'd have to take interviews and entrance exams just like everybody else, but since you worked for something more, before that something more was physically there in your present, you later arrived at something good, even great. You worked for your future, before you arrived at it. And that's what you need to keep on doing now. "


C. Bells

A Text Message for My Mother (and for you, too!)

       I recently sent a text message to my mother, sort of out-of-the-blue and I bet she was surprised to read it. But anyway, it went like this, "Good morning ma! I just felt like I should let you know that you are a special, beautiful woman who deserves the best in life. And we all think that about you. But that doesn't mean anything unless you know that about yourself. Your sense of self worth needs to come from yourself; not from God, not from other people, but from yourself." And until now, I haven't received a reply from her. She's probably pondering on my words (or maybe she lost her phone again.) UPDATE: My mother has replied to my text message, saying that she's thankful to read it and that she agrees with the message. :)
       Why did I send her that message? Well, like I said, I just felt like I should. But you may be wondering why I felt that way and that's what I'd like to talk about here. You see, my mother is getting old, she married very late in her life so when she was my age right now, she was still jumping on trains and taking cross-country tours throughout the United States all on her own, pondering upon the scenery and dreaming of her many adventurous dreams (she's the adventurous type, much like her own mother who was seriously helluva adventurous.) She herself admits that becoming a mother was never really on her agenda, and before she met my father, she had never before even had a boyfriend! That's in stark contrast to myself right now, being younger than her at her age of even meeting her first boyfriend, and already having a 14-year-old! I always wanted to be a mother, for as long as I can remember! To me, rearing a son is a great adventure, in itself. And the amazing thing about this, is that I am not a clingy mother, at all. I am lenient and I do not put restrictions upon my son, I trust him, and he does not betray that trust. He is more like a companion to me, in my life. I can go on long periods of vacation without him and not even feel a longing to be near him; he enjoys viewing my photos from my travels and I enjoy sharing my travel moments with him! In other words, I'm the one who isn't clingy, while my mother, who didn't even dream of becoming a mother, is the super clingy one who calls me every day and questions my love for her if I don't talk to her for at least an hour! So anyway, perhaps that all circles back to the fact that she is now getting old and is facing her prior decisions not to remarry or to ever have another partner in life. Back then after she separated with my father, she was confident about her decision of "not needing anyone"; however, now that she's getting older, I think she's realising what life is all about and while my life is really just beginning, she's finding the need to take her emotional support from me, when what she really needs is to take this emotional support from a partner in life— not me! I cannot be the object of her, "why didn't you pick up your phone the minute I called you?" jealous girlfriend rants. Its' just not healthy for me.
       When I was growing up, as a child, I was more of the strong emotional support for both of my parents, who were really just like big kids. Their heads were full of unfulfilled dreams and my father told me several times that those unfulfilled dreams were due to my arrival (otherwise, they would have been fulfilled.) So as you can see, both my parents really were just not cut out to be parents. They did get married properly and have me later on, all properly like that, but still they weren't ready to be parents. So, instead of enjoying a proper childhood for myself, I instead had to be the adult in the family and I learned to hold back my tears at a very young age. I couldn't cry because if I cried, then three of us would be crying (because both my parents are cry babies, to be honest here). So really, I spent my childhood and my teenage years being more mature than anyone around me and I can only feel myself breaking free from that, now. Only now am I able to experience a childhood, now as an adult! And now my mother is getting old and, as usual, thinks I am the one who needs to be there to fulfil all of her emotional issues.
       There comes a time in your life when you have to stand your ground and say NO to the people that you love, when their actions are only detrimental to your own life. You can't be this source of energy —emotional or otherwise— for people that shouldn't even be trying to take that from you, in the first place. Especially not for your parents! Because your parents are supposed to be that for you! So, as you can see by reading thus far, the side-note of this article is to say that parents should not try to find a source of fulfilment in their children. A child is not their for your own use— that's not how it works. A child is not there for you to fulfil your own dreams through, to live through, or anything like that. And your child is especially not there to be strong for you so you can cry the whole day! But that's really not the gist of this article; that's only a side-note. The gist of this article is self worth.
       My mother is Chinese and Spanish, her name is "Deogracia" (obviously very Latin-Spanish in origin) and she was born to two people who, for the most part, hated each others' guts! And just because she was born a girl, she was considered of lesser worth (per the outdated, overused and old Chinese tradition that is so stupid anyway). As a result, my mother grew up with no sense of self worth and she later was able to derive any sense of worth as a woman, from her relationship with God when she became a Christian in her twenties. As she raised me later  when I came along, she taught me that the only sentient being who can give me a sense of self worth, is God. She told me that nobody, no one and nothing can make me feel worthy as a woman, or as a human being, except for God! As you can see, I was raised in a traditionally Christian environment that involved "self-nullification" as a pathway to finding one's worth. Right now, I can tell you that this was not a beneficial way for me to grow up. Instead of cultivating a sense of self worth inside myself, for myself, by myself— I hung my every bit, every ounce of sense of worthiness upon God! "I am nothing without you, God!" "I am worth nothing, you are worth everything, God!" and so on and so forth.
       While I was growing up, my mother always used to say (and she still says this unto this day), "The only inheritance I can give you is my knowledge of God, it's the only thing I can leave for you in this world." And that became a serious problem, because, it simply wasn't true. I am not sure if she was just being dramatic, or if she really believed in what she said (and still says), but it simply wasn't true. My mother could have given me a lot more than she did, if she had realised that she needed to be present in my life, to be strong for me as a mother, and seriously, just to go shopping with me! But since she believed that all material things would lead your soul away from God, she discouraged all the things that I loved to do the most (shopping, talking about culture and society and makeup). I wasn't even allowed to go to parties! Talk about being enslaved by a religion!
       Today, I have been able to overcome my own lack of a sense of self worth and stomp on it. I did that by reaffirming my own self worth, by myself, for myself, within myself! By me and for me. It hasn't come from God; it has come from me! You need to pull all that energy that you hang onto God and you need to wrap it around yourself like a blanket of comfort! And that's what God wants you to do, anyway! Well, at least that's what I believe God wants people to do! I have this image in my mind, and it is an image of a soul crying out to God, "God, nullify me and make everything inside of me into you!" and God is looking at that soul, saying, "You wanted to go down there to discover your Earth wings and learn how to fly, and now you want me to nullify you?!" Quite frankly, you, dear, need to get your shit together! Pull your act together, pull yourself together, and put some great lipstick on! You are worthy because you are going to make yourself know that you are worthy, you are going to do so much good for yourself that it will overflow onto others, you are going to look for every reason to laugh and to be happy every day, for yourself, because you are worth it! You deserve to be loved because you are loveable! You deserve the best in life, because you also have the best to offer! You are competent, you are tackling life head-on and you are winning, because you can!
       And all of this is not to discredit God. No. I'm not saying there's no God and I'm not saying don't believe in God; but what I'm saying is only what I'm saying, nothing more and nothing less.
       I hope that my mother reads my message and believes what I've said in it. Not that I'm going to sit around hoping for things for her, like I've done for the greater part of my life thus far; but it's just that she's my mother and I hope that she reads what I've said and her life becomes changed by it. Because hopefully she wants to change it. This life is beautiful and we all need to stop living like all we want to think about is when we are dead! I mean, come on! If we're going to live like that, then really, why did we even come down here, in the first place?

From a Wildfire to a Bonfire

Recently, I posted this to my public network:

I once wrote of a good love being the kind that lights you on fire and makes you run ablaze in the winds! Then I grew up and when I did, I learned that a good kind of love is the kind that gives you a knowledge of safety. We live in a world where there are so many reasons that we might not be safe; love has become the place where you know you can be safe and you can face this world together with your partner, without fear. I don't want to feel like I'm a part of that world when I'm in someone's arms; I want to feel like we have our own world because in our world there is moonlight, there is a soft voice, there is laughter, there is understanding and patience... so now I think a good love is like a really good fragrance! You know you need it on your skin and it feels like the electricity of your desires and your passions; yet at the same time it feels like home. Like things forgotten, unforgotten, things that happened and that are yet to happen... it's like time stops. That's what I learned when I grew up.

       Now, I want to discuss this further. What does it mean when we search for the thrill of running and of burning, from our idea of love and relationships? Doesn't that mean that we are seeking something that we are not able to cultivate alone? Because it is a fact that when we look to love, we are looking to something that we deem can fulfil us in a way (or in many ways). So in the angle of looking for running and for burning, I believe this means we look for something that we have not been able to cultivate on our own. But then your life begins to change at the turning of your soul within your body and you begin to produce a fire of your own, you begin to run in the winds of your own soul, you begin to experience freedom from exactly right there where you are standing; regardless of whether or not you are living in your ideal physical state of freedom. You create the fire within you, and with that fire, you produce things of beauty that you are able to add to the world, you produce magical objects from the magic of your own soul, you run in the winds not because someone is grabbing your arm and teaching you how to run; but, you run in the winds of your own mind, your own heart! You create cities within yourself! You begin to become the master architect of your own person, your own soul! And when this happens... you realise that you don't really want to look towards love as a thing to break you free and to release you into the fiery winds! Sure, that can really happen, too, but more importantly than that, you start to see love as a place to come home to. Sure, you can burn together and run together; but more importantly than that, you want to cultivate a partnership in life and you want to be able to say, "This is the person that I have found, he's/she's my partner in life, because he/she completes me". Yes, ultimately we should look for completion in a partner. They say that we shouldn't look for completion but that we should already be complete on our own, but I disagree with that notion. If your partner is not the completion of the rest of you, then that person is not going to really be that significant half of you. In order to have a "significant other", that individual must be the other part of you, the one that, yes, the one that completes you. And you complete each other. Your energies meet and they fuse together and there is electricity flying everywhere and ultimately, you bond together. Like the fusion of electrical cords.
       But more importantly than what I've written above, is the fact that everyone should look to his/her own love. The problem today is that people are looking towards other people's ideals of love and then hoping that they find those ideals for themselves, in their lives.  But what if those ideals aren't for you? What if you need to have your own because that is what's going to fit into your heart and soul? So you need to look for that and you need to find it.