Learning How To Be Selfish

As many of you already know, I was away for a week with an injured arm. Over that course of time, I wrote many things that are very reflective and explorative in nature. I always say that my writings are not immediately reflective of the current situation of my soul, but I must say that the pieces I've written over the past week are. I'm happy to share with you my most recent writings and I will stretch them over the next coming days or week/s; I hope that you will be able to place yourselves in the middle of the stained glass window, and watch the colors transpire and reflect from either side of it.

Since the beginning, the description of me as an author has been the one who "strives to live life for herself and not for others" and I think that in reading this writing, you will be able to finally understand what that means.

Learning How To Be Selfish

Most people have to learn how to give, learn how to share. I, on the other hand, must teach myself to stop giving, to stop sharing.

People always wanted to come to me with their problems, come to me in search of a shoulder to cry on. They didn't really want a friend, they just wanted someone to take all the bad away for them. Then I decided I didn't want to be that shoulder anymore. And people have many good things to say about the generous and the selfless: "She's such a good person", "She's the sweetest soul" and etc. But do I live my life for the praises of other people? Do I live in order to reap praises from others? They say it is a virtue to be completely selfless, but is it a virtue, really? Is being selfless a virtue when in the end we are only responsible for ourselves and our children?

In the eyes of God, you are responsible for yourself and for your children. So who are we working for, when we want to count ourselves as accountable for everyone around us?

I know that there are many of those who are incapable of caring for others in a truly dense, deep, definitive way. If you have no deep and lasting affection for other people, don't read this because this is not written for you! But this is written for those who are like me, those who strive to learn how to be selfish!

A simple human life is extremely precious, overwhelmingly special. Just the thought that one little bullet could end a life, is excruciatingly painful of a thought to me. I feel the pain of a nation, I feel the pain of the wounded, I feel the pain of the dying, the sick, and the hurting. I feel, because I am also made of flesh and blood. Do I feel for honor, for respect, for a name? No. I feel because I am.

Nevertheless, if I am able to bless the lives of a million people but I am not there to bless the life of my own son, I have failed. If I am able to warm the hearts of a hundred and thousand individuals but the heart of my own child is cold, I count myself as a failure. If I change the world and at the end of my life while I lie in bed I cannot remember being madly in love and smiling, I will die considering myself a failure.

They tell me to store up my treasures in Heaven, but I don't believe that means denying me of myself. Why must Heaven have nothing to do with me and what I am? Why must I be nonexistent  in order for me to get there? And why would I want to go to a place that has no part in me? Surely, I want to go to a place that knows me, a place that I am part of. So if I am not even worth anything as I am, then why I am here? If I'm supposed to be in Heaven, then why am I on earth? I don't believe in performing oaths and harvesting praises in order to "achieve" Heaven. Things are not achieved, things are freely given. What can we really achieve, anyway? If our life was not given to us, we wouldn't even be here in the first place. No– but ours is a journey into ourselves, a walk with God every day! Ours is a book that we write, a smile, a love, a tear, a lust, an awakening, a learning, a joy, a laughter, a memory, a dream, a vision, a love, a love, a love and a love. Our life is now. And Heaven is always there, but this life isn't always there, but this life isn't always here. Heaven is always there for us but this life is a gift to us!

So I will be sure to live my life for me. And for the ones I love and who love me, for without them, I am a flesh and a blood unconnected! A ship with no anchor, an isle that floats endlessly. And with every drop of blood in me, I will desire to live and to love... to remember all of my loves and my love and the smiles that they gave to me.

Copyright © 2011 C. JoyBell C. All rights reserved.

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