As some of you may already know, I recently decided to stop "philosophizing" in public. Which means I decided to stop posting my philosophical visions in public places (mainly Facebook).
I'm naturally a shy individual, and I'm mortified at even the thought of speaking in front of many people. When I'm at meetings with several people, I feel utterly mortified after saying anything in front of them, my face starts turning red and everything!
When I was three years old, I was supposed to be the flower girl at an important wedding. I remember standing there at the end of the aisle, the music was playing, I looked at everyone turning around in the pews to look at me, and I wouldn't budge! I decided not to move! So the minister actually had to call out to the congregation "Does anyone want to be the flower girl?"
When I was seven, I was the fastest reader and writer in class (I was also among the top five most brilliant students of the State of Florida), so come graduation, I was chosen to read a lyrical piece in front of the whole school in the auditorium with all the parents and teachers! I crossed my arms and said to the teacher "NO!" I simply refused to do it! And mark my words, when I didn't want to do something, NOBODY could make me do it!
Even now, when there are PTA meetings at my son's school, I really do feel mortified just to open my mouth to ask a question in front of all the other people that are there! So, such is the story of me! I never did see the importance in placing myself in front of people, I was quite content spending my time in nature, touching the roses (really) and walking in the streams (for real). It's not that I'm antisocial, because I love to meet new people and go to parties, and it's not that I'm a coward, because I can go to foreign lands I've never been to before, all alone, which is something that even grown men are afraid of doing (so they tell me)! It's just that I really don't like to place myself in front of an audience, that's all.
On Facebook, every time that I say something, I feel like I'm standing on the other end of that church aisle on that wedding day I was supposed to be the flower girl in! I feel like that all over again, but then I go ahead and say it, anyway. I feel mortified every time, and it just becomes a nightmare when people challenge me in comments, people who clearly don't even understand what it is that I do. It's one thing to be questioned by people you know and trust, it's another thing to be poked by people you don't know at all. Back when there were only a few people on my page, it felt a lot better. But now, I really do feel like I'm standing on top of the Trevi Fountain, surrounded by masses from all over the world! And lots of them don't think before they speak (unfortunately). So ultimately, even if you will miss my words, it's not benefiting me to say these things anymore. Afterall, they are just my words, aren't they?
Anyway, it's really not that big of a deal. My books don't have anything to do with the things I say on Facebook, I think that people presume that the things I say on Facebook are the things I write about in my books, but that's not the case, the two are not related. Aside for this book I'm working on at the moment, in which I decided to incorporate some of that, as well.
I have never been interested in proving or showing to people that I am happy, I have only been interested in actually being happy.