Hey wonderfuls. I have something deep to talk to you about today... so it starts off like this... yesterday, I posted this to my personal network and to my public network (my writer network):
I have made an important decision, and this is to no longer allow myself to be affected by the state of the nations, the peoples, the world. There are too many terrible things happening everywhere, and if I am to think about them, then I will only know heartache. Too much empathy is very difficult to carry around in the soul and I suppose that a bit of apathy would do wonders for the mind and body. Goodbye to all things terrible in the world, terrible presidents and terrible terrorists and terrible cunts. Goodbye. I shall hereafter dwell on things like the beauties of nature, music, and cake and cupcakes. My little winged heart cannot take anymore of the terribleness. And so, I shall bit ti all adieu! Ta ta, so long, au revoir, farewell, retreating into my very own renaissance of the mind now! Zen.
I said this yesterday, only to break down in tears today, and to fall deeper into the turquoise lakes that I am made up of. So I want to talk to you about that because it's a turning point in my life, and since you're on my journey here with me, I guess you would like to know when I turn somewhere? So in case you'd like to know, I've just realised that I simply can't be the person that I described above in my post, it only lasted a day. Actually, just about ten hours before I couldn't do it anymore. And that's okay, because this is me, and I'm so tired of fighting myself. I can't change the colours of the lakes that I am made up of. There is a depth within me that I can't alter... the forests in me are violet and vast... you could roam in them for a lifetime and still not come to the end of them! I know, because in my dreams at night I walk through them and they go deeper and deeper... forests filled with living things and with fields of lavender!
I'm not going to be able to be the person whom I've described above. Because the person that is me feels deeply, thinks deeply, knows deeply. I realise that the key to soothing the pain is not to change my nature; but the key is to stop bordering at the edge of what is in between. I can't keep teeter-tottering at the edge of what is shallow and what is deep... like so I can save myself in case I go too far into the forest... because the key here is actually to just go in deeper, go totally into that place, because when I give myself to who and to what I am, that's when I can become the powerful me who will be able to choose what to feel and what not to feel. Then and only then will I be in the powerful position to say, "I'm not going to let this cause me pain, I'm not going to let this burn within me, I'm going to turn away from this person (or this thing), because this person/thing is not good for me." But I know that I am only going to be able to do that when I fully accept how deep those lakes, oceans and forests are! I'm going to have to learn how to dance with the beautiful, illuminated creatures within me, because they stay in the deep places, I'm going to have to want to be there. And that doesn't mean that I can't run away! I can always run away from anything; but I can run away from anything outside of me, if I need to, while inside me, I still know who I am!
So, look, I know I'm the person who, when I cry, a single tear down my face feels like burning oil; a single breath feels like I'm reaching up for Heaven's hands to reach down and to hold me— I feel so much. But I'm going to be strong and fortified from now on, because I'm going to accept myself and I'm going to go even deeper. Because you know what? I am helluva beautiful! And if I weren't who I am, I wouldn't be able to write the things that I write and be the person that I am right now.
I am turquoise and I am violet.
Love you, wonderfuls! Thank you for putting up with me, through all of my ups and my downs, I can't thank you all enough! And now I want to leave you with a music video that I always come back to, through the years, no matter who I am and who I've become and what I've done— I always, always come back to this song, because it moves with the rhythm of my heart... this is the song that I would sound like... wordless. I'm not a pop song, and I'm not a rock song... I'm a song that's literally entitled "The Nothing Song" because the words are made up and it's all about the melody and the feeling, it's not about the words (they don't even mean anything.)