I recently sent a text message to my mother, sort of out-of-the-blue and I bet she was surprised to read it. But anyway, it went like this, "Good morning ma! I just felt like I should let you know that you are a special, beautiful woman who deserves the best in life. And we all think that about you. But that doesn't mean anything unless you know that about yourself. Your sense of self worth needs to come from yourself; not from God, not from other people, but from yourself." And until now, I haven't received a reply from her. She's probably pondering on my words (or maybe she lost her phone again.) UPDATE: My mother has replied to my text message, saying that she's thankful to read it and that she agrees with the message. :)
Why did I send her that message? Well, like I said, I just felt like I should. But you may be wondering why I felt that way and that's what I'd like to talk about here. You see, my mother is getting old, she married very late in her life so when she was my age right now, she was still jumping on trains and taking cross-country tours throughout the United States all on her own, pondering upon the scenery and dreaming of her many adventurous dreams (she's the adventurous type, much like her own mother who was seriously helluva adventurous.) She herself admits that becoming a mother was never really on her agenda, and before she met my father, she had never before even had a boyfriend! That's in stark contrast to myself right now, being younger than her at her age of even meeting her first boyfriend, and already having a 14-year-old! I always wanted to be a mother, for as long as I can remember! To me, rearing a son is a great adventure, in itself. And the amazing thing about this, is that I am not a clingy mother, at all. I am lenient and I do not put restrictions upon my son, I trust him, and he does not betray that trust. He is more like a companion to me, in my life. I can go on long periods of vacation without him and not even feel a longing to be near him; he enjoys viewing my photos from my travels and I enjoy sharing my travel moments with him! In other words, I'm the one who isn't clingy, while my mother, who didn't even dream of becoming a mother, is the super clingy one who calls me every day and questions my love for her if I don't talk to her for at least an hour! So anyway, perhaps that all circles back to the fact that she is now getting old and is facing her prior decisions not to remarry or to ever have another partner in life. Back then after she separated with my father, she was confident about her decision of "not needing anyone"; however, now that she's getting older, I think she's realising what life is all about and while my life is really just beginning, she's finding the need to take her emotional support from me, when what she really needs is to take this emotional support from a partner in life— not me! I cannot be the object of her, "why didn't you pick up your phone the minute I called you?" jealous girlfriend rants. Its' just not healthy for me.
When I was growing up, as a child, I was more of the strong emotional support for both of my parents, who were really just like big kids. Their heads were full of unfulfilled dreams and my father told me several times that those unfulfilled dreams were due to my arrival (otherwise, they would have been fulfilled.) So as you can see, both my parents really were just not cut out to be parents. They did get married properly and have me later on, all properly like that, but still they weren't ready to be parents. So, instead of enjoying a proper childhood for myself, I instead had to be the adult in the family and I learned to hold back my tears at a very young age. I couldn't cry because if I cried, then three of us would be crying (because both my parents are cry babies, to be honest here). So really, I spent my childhood and my teenage years being more mature than anyone around me and I can only feel myself breaking free from that, now. Only now am I able to experience a childhood, now as an adult! And now my mother is getting old and, as usual, thinks I am the one who needs to be there to fulfil all of her emotional issues.
There comes a time in your life when you have to stand your ground and say NO to the people that you love, when their actions are only detrimental to your own life. You can't be this source of energy —emotional or otherwise— for people that shouldn't even be trying to take that from you, in the first place. Especially not for your parents! Because your parents are supposed to be that for you! So, as you can see by reading thus far, the side-note of this article is to say that parents should not try to find a source of fulfilment in their children. A child is not their for your own use— that's not how it works. A child is not there for you to fulfil your own dreams through, to live through, or anything like that. And your child is especially not there to be strong for you so you can cry the whole day! But that's really not the gist of this article; that's only a side-note. The gist of this article is self worth.
My mother is Chinese and Spanish, her name is "Deogracia" (obviously very Latin-Spanish in origin) and she was born to two people who, for the most part, hated each others' guts! And just because she was born a girl, she was considered of lesser worth (per the outdated, overused and old Chinese tradition that is so stupid anyway). As a result, my mother grew up with no sense of self worth and she later was able to derive any sense of worth as a woman, from her relationship with God when she became a Christian in her twenties. As she raised me later when I came along, she taught me that the only sentient being who can give me a sense of self worth, is God. She told me that nobody, no one and nothing can make me feel worthy as a woman, or as a human being, except for God! As you can see, I was raised in a traditionally Christian environment that involved "self-nullification" as a pathway to finding one's worth. Right now, I can tell you that this was not a beneficial way for me to grow up. Instead of cultivating a sense of self worth inside myself, for myself, by myself— I hung my every bit, every ounce of sense of worthiness upon God! "I am nothing without you, God!" "I am worth nothing, you are worth everything, God!" and so on and so forth.
While I was growing up, my mother always used to say (and she still says this unto this day), "The only inheritance I can give you is my knowledge of God, it's the only thing I can leave for you in this world." And that became a serious problem, because, it simply wasn't true. I am not sure if she was just being dramatic, or if she really believed in what she said (and still says), but it simply wasn't true. My mother could have given me a lot more than she did, if she had realised that she needed to be present in my life, to be strong for me as a mother, and seriously, just to go shopping with me! But since she believed that all material things would lead your soul away from God, she discouraged all the things that I loved to do the most (shopping, talking about culture and society and makeup). I wasn't even allowed to go to parties! Talk about being enslaved by a religion!
Today, I have been able to overcome my own lack of a sense of self worth and stomp on it. I did that by reaffirming my own self worth, by myself, for myself, within myself! By me and for me. It hasn't come from God; it has come from me! You need to pull all that energy that you hang onto God and you need to wrap it around yourself like a blanket of comfort! And that's what God wants you to do, anyway! Well, at least that's what I believe God wants people to do! I have this image in my mind, and it is an image of a soul crying out to God, "God, nullify me and make everything inside of me into you!" and God is looking at that soul, saying, "You wanted to go down there to discover your Earth wings and learn how to fly, and now you want me to nullify you?!" Quite frankly, you, dear, need to get your shit together! Pull your act together, pull yourself together, and put some great lipstick on! You are worthy because you are going to make yourself know that you are worthy, you are going to do so much good for yourself that it will overflow onto others, you are going to look for every reason to laugh and to be happy every day, for yourself, because you are worth it! You deserve to be loved because you are loveable! You deserve the best in life, because you also have the best to offer! You are competent, you are tackling life head-on and you are winning, because you can!
And all of this is not to discredit God. No. I'm not saying there's no God and I'm not saying don't believe in God; but what I'm saying is only what I'm saying, nothing more and nothing less.
I hope that my mother reads my message and believes what I've said in it. Not that I'm going to sit around hoping for things for her, like I've done for the greater part of my life thus far; but it's just that she's my mother and I hope that she reads what I've said and her life becomes changed by it. Because hopefully she wants to change it. This life is beautiful and we all need to stop living like all we want to think about is when we are dead! I mean, come on! If we're going to live like that, then really, why did we even come down here, in the first place?