An Anti-Hero The Likes of Batman

       I was looking at an old photo yesterday. It was a photo of my then 4-year-old son and I at the grand opening party of a Hilton Hotel Resort and Spa. The photo made me really think, and those thoughts ran very deep. So many reflections!
       If you had asked me back then, if I wanted to inspire people one day, become a thought leader one day, be there for the people of the world by means of my writings, my thoughts, I would have said, "Eeww." That's what I would have said. Back then, I was a totally different person. My family and I were invited to many of the upscale parties like the grand opening of Shangri-La, grand openings of various condominium residences, so on and so forth. It wasn't because we were celebrities; it was because we are who we are: a well-established family. 
       I was comfortable with being me! In fact, I am trying to pin-point when exactly I began to change. I think that it was when I started thinking about the world that my son would grow up in; it made me want to gift him with a better world. That's about it. It's like somebody turned on a switch and then the journey began!
       I know that many people take pride in being able to inspire others and be there for others. This is in fact an extreme source of pride for many, they indicate it on all of their social media and it actually becomes like some kind of weird competition about who the "better helper" is, or about who the "better person" is. I respect that. But it's just not me. It has been said about me, that I am "Batman"... and I have to admit, that right there was the pinnacle of my career thus far, for me! To be called Batman? Are you kidding me? Yes, please! Now I can retire!
       Batman is an accurate description. Batman is actually classified as an "Anti-Hero". An anti-hero is a hero who does not possess the expected attributes of a hero. They're not really following a deep heart's desire to help people; but then they really just can't seem to stop doing it. They'll tell you that they don't love this world; but then they'll try and save it. They don't see the virtue in being called a hero, in being a "saviour" or in being an inspiration; but no matter what they do, they can't seem to run from being exactly that. I'm not a hero; I'm an anti-hero. 
       During the course of my career as C. JoyBell C., I have told plenty of people, "If I don't inspire you, why should I care about that?" because plenty of people have commented on things that I have written, saying, "This doesn't inspire me, you're not an inspiration", or, "You used to inspire me every day and make me feel good every day, until I read this!" and my true, deep, and genuine reaction is really, "Why should I care?" That is my genuine reaction, because, I really, truly, as a matter of fact, do not care. Harsh but true. Joan Walsh Anglund once said, A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer; it sings because it has a song. I am not writing because I want to produce an answer for YOU in particular; but I am writing because I have something to write! If it doesn't inspire you, well, who's trying to inspire you? 
       On the other hand, I have such a relentless love for people that their feedback means so much to me, their encouragement means so much to me, and I really will answer distress calls from fans (over email) at wee hours in the morning! I mean, I will put myself as second. And everybody knows that I am my fans' biggest fan! I have such an admiration for many of the people who admire me. 
       I don't take my sense of self identity from what I do as a writer or as a public figure. I would like to always take my sense of self identity from the nature of the things that I choose to surround myself with, that I choose to take pictures of; the voices of certain people that I wait to hear! These are the things/objects/people that I would like to take my self identity from. I would like to identify myself by the use of the stuff that makes me laugh. 
       Honestly, I have been writing stuff and saying stuff, since I was a child. Anyone who would read what I wrote felt that they were reading otherworldly guidance/insight. But I believe that I am not made or structured in order to give to other people or to fix the world. I know that people like to think that some people are born to save the world; but I don't want to think that. I would like to think that I am who I am, because it is who I am. And if I do have a hand in saving the world in the process, then why not? 
       Some people have emailed me over the years, about how my books have been "smuggled" into prison cells and rehab centers. I just don't think that's normal. I wouldn't think it is normal if it were someone else's books and I don't think it's normal when it's my books and my writings doing it. It's all around not normal. The first thing drug addicts on withdrawal look for are my books? That's just not the way things normally are. I just want to say, that I am thankful for this. And I work hard to publish my books and to construct them. My books go leaps and bounds beyond what I imagined any book could do! I am grateful, I am thankful. There are Divine Powers that be, that's all I can say. And They have stood by me, like I am their Kin. 
       One of the hardest things to do, is to compose a book and to publish a book. I can't even explain why it's so hard, but any serious author will tell you that. Just check out what George Orwell said: Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand. I totally agree with him! And then there's this one by Flannery O'Connor, which I can relate to, as I did experience some hairs on my head going grey after the publication of a number of my books: Writing a novel is a terrible experience, during which the hair often falls out and the teeth decay. I'm always irritated by people who imply that writing fiction is an escape from reality. It is a plunge into reality and it's very shocking to the system. I don't even think that people should want to be writers! Why would anyone want this? We are born this way and, like Orwell said, it is like being driven by a demon!
       When I was a child and as I was growing up, my classmates would come to me with their problems, open up to me and cry, then they would leave and return to their little posse and continue on with their fake happiness. It's as if I was a statue— a statue of an Angel— and people would come along and cry and pour out their hearts and then walk away! Who wants that? Who wants to be like that? I don't! The most irritating thing that I experience as C. JoyBell C., is when people try to "test my goodness" because they have their doubts about my being a good person through and through. The only thing that I can think is, "I would rather not be good like this!" Really, "testing my goodness" is probably going to result in me telling you to burn in hell! And that's not even an exaggeration. I mean, you get to cry at a statue and then try to test if the statue is real? Go cry over at the river and drown in it for all I care!
       My thoughts turn to the photograph from a long time ago, at that amazing party where I danced barefoot on the vanilla sands along with fire dancers! I'm not going to share the picture publicly, because I want to keep that moment sacred. It was pure magic! I often wonder what they mean when they say that nothing feels better than helping other people... because really, a lot of things feel better than helping other people! Like dancing on vanilla sands along with fire dancers! Hahahaha! Let me be real here! This is my blog and I'll be real if I need to be real! I don't even know how my writings began to help other people! It wasn't my intention! I just wrote stuff and people started healing all over the place!
       At the end of the day, I genuinely admire the people who admire me, who read the things that I write, and I am honestly amazed that people read the things that I write. People could read anyone and anything; but they read me. For that, I am so thankful. I care about you even when I don't want to care about you. Thank you so much for reading the things that I write.

Signed,
An Anti-Hero the Likes of Batman


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