Things Noone Ever Warned Me About!

     I've reached a curious pivotal in my life. And I have been contemplating how to talk to all of you about it. Like, how do I even begin? It's a significant era in my life, I feel, and I think there are two factors causing it: 1. My age; and 2. The fact that my son will be an adult in a few months from now.
     Let's talk about number two first. I feel like I am THAT MOMMA. Yeah, if there were ranks assigned to motherhood, I'd be the Colonel, now! I watch my facebook friends post pictures of their babies's first day at the beach, and I recline into my chair, like a seasoned matron who regularly raises her eyebrows at everyone and doesn't have time for people with ugly shoes and unmanicured nails and no witts! And I indeed raise my eyebrows and chuckle to myself, "Been there, done that, what a long way they still have to go..." and my chuckle is a hearty one, one that makes me look like a seasoned matron with regularly raised eyebrows and constantly raised attitude! In fact, this all reminds me of way back when the matronly lady of such disposition was actually my icon. I would watch them at the malls (at Fendi, Gucci and Prada) and wonder about all their life experiences and how they seemed to be continuously whispering under their breath, "Bitch, please, you know nothing yet."



     Having a son who is preparing for college in two years, makes me roll my eyes at everyone and everything, for some reason nobody ever warned me about. And I am a serious eye-roller, really. It's what my ex hated about me the most (hahahha). This stage in my journey of motherhood is something that no one ever warned me about, in, well, ever! I didn't know my mind, soul and emotional availability would be influenced to such a degree as it has been! Everything is just so fucking different now. All we talk about is Law School, Advanced Placement school programs, if and when he should get married, if and when he wants to have children (he does), and so on and so forth. The narrative has completely changed. He is now thinking about (and I alongside him), the parts of life I feel I was just struggling with on Monday. You know?


     When did this even happen? When did this all begin? When did this overtake me from behind and prop me up on this fabulous throne of skulls and bones?




     And then there is age. I am now becoming, at my age, the woman whom I used to stare at 20 years ago and wonder to myself, "How does someone become so severe like that?" The anti hero, "Batman of our times" you have all come to love and cherish, may be very well tipping towards villain status (well, just as far as cinematics goes). I used to look at women my age now, and wonder what made them decide that the world and everything in it is full of bullshit that they don't got no time for! And it's sort of like I woke up three weeks ago, and voĆ­la, thqt woman was me! I am so done with bullshit, that I am even done with my own bullshit! Like, that's how actually done with bullshit I am! I can now look in the mirror and roll my eyes at my reflection while calling myself a cunt. And then smile at the cunt in the mirror looking back at me. Because even I can't bullshit myself, anymore! It's one thing to call others out on their bullshit; it's a completely different story to call yourself out on your OWN bullshit! Now that's a whole new level of savage! Albeit, a much more mature level!
     I spent last year reaching my hands out, stretching my arms out, in every direction, so I could catch people, to hold onto them, and pull them inside, closer towards me! Then I began the second half of this year eliminating the need to do that, and really just waiting for anyone to prove that they want to be a part of my life, to step up and show me they mean it. Otherwise, "been there, done that, I don't have no room for that in my life anymore." I feel like I am preparing a Japanese Zen garden, seeking out and catering to the need for less.
     Less idealism, less conformity, less giving-a-fuck. Less! Life gets shorter and things we used to bitch about just don't matter at all anymore. Villains know that. Cruella de Vil knows that. Catwoman knows that. Loki, Darth Vader, and Magneto know that. The Wicked Witch of the West knows that (sorry, not really, but she looks great on this list, doesn't she?)
     So, as I raise my eyebrows on the daily and roll my eyes by the hour, please raise your glass to mine, wherever you may be reading this, to motherhood, villainhood, and no-time-for-bullshithood! May we all grow as wine does-- finer and snottier with age! Oh, and, if you're an eye roller too, may we all find the freedom to roll our eyes at ourselves and at others and even at the clock if we want to! And dump the guy if he has a problem with that! Cheers!
Back to Top