My Battles

My Battles

They have played music for me
And asked me to dance
But then they put me here
In iron pants

Given me feathered wings
And pushed me to fly
Then put me in a cage
They don’t tell me why

I was told to sing
The song of the birds
And glide
With the grace of the swans

It was demanded that I
Taste the lush berries
Every last drop
Of reddened juice

But then they placed me
In the desert
Parched by the heat
My feathers, they wilt

But then they placed me
In a valley
Told me to climb my way
To the mountaintops

Let no man judge me
No one knows of my struggles
Let no woman envy me
No one knows of my battles

Copyright © 2014 C. JoyBell C. All rights reserved.

The poem above is written as an ode to one of the very first poems that really left its mark with me, the poem by Earnest Hemingway:

The Age Demanded

The age demanded that we sing
And cut away our tongue.

The age demanded that we flow
And hammered in the bung.

The age demanded that we dance
And jammed us into iron pants.

And in the end the age was handed
The sort of shit that it demanded.

I Will

I Will

I have become so strong
The only thing that can
Topple me down
Is my own fear
For though it is small
It is powerful
Because it shares
A part in my strength
It rises as I rise
Like a wave in the ocean
It rises with the rest
Of the Ocean in me
As the Moon
Pulls on the tides

I am the Moon
And I am the Ocean
But there is a wave
In me
That roars along with
The rest of me
If only I can learn
To command it

But I will

Copyright © 2014 C. JoyBell C. All rights reserved.

Modern Muse

This is such a beautiful video to watch and for some reason, it makes me smile and have tears in my eyes at the same time, which I think is a strange reaction to have to such a video, but I am guessing that I feel like I can identify with the muse in the video, that's why. :-) I hope you enjoy watching it! :-)



I want to cover myself
In the skin of a bear
I want to wear
The skin of a deer
A deer who leaps fast
And jumps high
A bear that is mighty
And valiant
I want to wear
The horns of a stag
The face of a wolf
Eagle feathers
I want to cover myself
So I don’t need
To feel too much
 I want my skin to be
Another’s skin
So maybe
I don’t need to feel
All the things that I feel
The pumping of the blood in my heart
I feel that
The whisper of my fear
I hear that
The familiar tear on my face
I feel that
Why do I feel that
Why do I feel too much of too much
Of too much of too much
Of everything?
So if I were a skinwalker
Walking in the strong skin
Of an animal
I would be protected
I would be free
Maybe I am an animal
Maybe I just need to remember which one
And maybe if I remember
I can forget
All of this

And just be

Copyright © 2014 C. JoyBell C. All rights reserved.

Flames and Wicks

Flames and Wicks

       The truth is that we never really spark anybody. I was telling someone all about this recently. I told him that we never really spark anybody, that’s the truth. We are only discovering what is already there. We never really light flames; because another cannot light the unlit wick; the lighting of the wick must be an internal action. We are responsible for lighting our own fires and for keeping them burning, everybody is responsible for his or her own flame. But sometimes, someone will come in like a wild and windy burst of oxygen and set a flame ablaze! I am a wild and windy burst of oxygen—that I know— and others may be thinking that I am the one lighting their wicks, that I am the one responsible for inspiring their fires, but I know what the truth is. The truth is that some of us have a fire within that is so strong and so fervent because we refuse to let it burn out, while others have a fire that is dim and that is dying or that is hidden away, and yet still others have no flame at all and for those, we cannot do anything.
       We seem to grow up believing the notion that we can actually be the flame that lights people’s wicks, that we can be this element, one of the four elements, to other people and we sometimes place our sense of self worth upon whether we can do this for everyone or not. In fact, this can become for some, an unhealthy drive to accomplish goals that are not even inherently their own. I have had many people ask me how it is that I do what I do, how it is that I am able to impact the lives of people everywhere, they tell me that they want to be that kind of person, that they want to do what I do, that they want to be thought of and remembered in the way that I am thought of and remembered... but there’s a huge difference right there! Because I don’t do what I do so I can be remembered for doing it; I don’t write what I write and speak what I speak because I want to create this image for myself. In fact, everything that I do is born from my struggles, the things that I write were born from my struggles, and that’s why my words are so impactful. Who wants to struggle? Nobody wants to struggle! I know I don’t! I don’t want to be thought of and remembered as the person who overcame many struggles! I want to be thought of and remembered as the person who is happy, who laughs a lot, who is joyful! I’m not martyr material; I have no desire to “be a good person.” No, I don’t want to be like Mother Theresa. Not even a little! And so it is my struggle— my many struggles— that have afforded me the ability to become. All I have ever been doing is becoming!
       What is life, anyway, but a great big becoming? Are we not all here in order to become? Become what? Become who we are, that’s what! And how are we to become what and who we are when the very moment that we are born into this world, we are born into a world that wants to make us into what it wants us to be! I’ll tell you how— we become who and what we are through struggling! We struggle to hold onto who we know we really are on the inside! We struggle to hold onto the memories that we have of our true natures! We struggle to transmutate rough and raw matter into pure gold! Because we know we are gold! Because we know that that’s really us, that’s really who we are!
       I have written many pieces on the strength of the woman. The strength and the worth of the woman. How am I able to write about how worthy a woman is? Was it because I was born with an enormous sense of self worth? Was it because I was born into a setting that made me feel every ounce of my worth, every single day? No way! I am able to write about the worth of the woman because I have had to force myself to believe in my own worth, for years and years and years! I believe in things without evidence of them. I make my own evidence of them, I make my own evidence of the things that I believe in. You might think that this is a stupid way to live one’s life; then take a look at me, do you think that I am stupid? I would say that people do not generally think that I am stupid. I may perhaps oftentimes think that I am stupid, but do you think I am stupid? Chances are, you do not. And yet, I have been the creator of my own evidence for the things that I believe in. It takes a lot to make evidence out of things before they have formed in front of your eyes! Things like your own self worth and your own strength and absence of fear!
       I formed my writings on the absence of fear, during the time in my life that I battled with panic attacks! During the time when I was the most fearful that even the shadows of things could haunt me— I wrote the most fear-killing words that I have ever written, that are most cherished by people all over the world, today! I made my own evidence of courage, strength and bravery, in the depths of the presence of the darkest fears that I’ve ever experienced! I lit my own wick; I didn’t wait for anyone or anything to light my own wick for me! I lit my wick, by myself! And I lit it time and time again, over and over again! And then I kept it roaring even when everyone and everything around me would try over and over again to put it out!
       We never really light anybody up, we don’t start a spark in anyone, I never start a spark in any of the thousands of people who follow me and read the things that I write. What I do is I try to be me and when I try to be me—while I become me— this process discovers the fire in others, everywhere, which allows them to see their own fires for the first time! We can discover the fire that is another, yes. But the other must light their first flames for themselves. Nobody can do that for them; nobody can do that for you. You do that for yourself! God won’t even do that for you, you do it for yourself!
       Many people would like to follow in my footsteps and do what I do someday... I am honoured to be looked up to, especially by young girls everywhere. I am not a very blameless woman, but I am me! So if anyone is looking up to me now, I can be sure that they are really looking up to me for who I really am in front of the scenes, behind the scenes— everywhere! And I would like to say to those who want to follow in my footsteps because they want to be remembered for being wise, for being an inspiration, for being this and for being that— don’t! Don’t try to be these things because of, you, you, you!
       And in a way this sounds like a predicament, because your focus is on becoming you, but then at the same time you must not want to do things all because of you! But you see there is a big difference between the love of the becoming of oneself, and the love of being known as something. Do you get me here?  The prior is the desire to see your true self, while the latter is the desire for others to see you! The prior is a true love while the latter is an infatuation! Infatuation is shallow and narcissistic while true love leads us into the direction of why we are even here on this Earth, in the first place! The true love to become and to be, produces a love of giving, because as you find your gifts, you will want to add to the world with those gifts! You will want to add to the world not so you will be remembered in a certain way or perceived in a certain way, but you will want to add to the world because you have something to add that can help people. Because you want to share your gifts and you want to share those gifts not because you’re going to be seen as a selfish person if you don’t and not because you’re doing it because you want to be seen as such a good person; but you want to share those gifts because you want to. Just because you want to. Because when you really do have, you will want others to have, too, and giving becomes a by-product of the journey that you are on.
       It is about never forgetting the journey that you are on. If on your journey, you become a wild and windy burst of oxygen for the flames of others, then praises be! But remember that you can never light another that has not already lit himself and remember that finding your divine purpose is an inward journey, and in actuality, the inward journey is the journey that thinks more and more of giving as it becomes, because the more that we become, the more that we want to give. Moreover, we do not become, by imagining that all is well and that all is good; but we become, through struggle and through battle and through fight. Through creation of what is not yet seen, through formation of what is not yet understood!
       To all those who wish to become like me, I say to you, if you want to become like me, then you must, you must, you must— become you!

Copyright © 2014 C. JoyBell C. All rights reserved. 

Veins and Tree

Veins and Tree

You broke into so many pieces
Then those pieces broke into
So many other pieces
So you had to put yourself
Back together
In a million different ways
Pull yourself up, pick yourself up
Glue yourself back together
In ways that can’t even be counted

You sit there and you ask yourself
How someone can be broken into
So many pieces
How does a tree crumble
Into a pile of grey ashes?


Maybe that’s not what you should
Be asking yourself
Maybe you should be asking yourself
How a tree like you
That has been nothing but a pile
Of burnt ash
With its hands
Pick out all those tiny molecules
Put them back together again
Mingling them with each other
Blowing back in the breath of life
So that it will form again
Into branches, into bark
Into leaves and veins
A completely different tree
Than it ever was before
Not the same shape
Not the same fruits
Not the same colours

The veins running through
Your leaves like spiderwebs
Are not even the same patterns
As before
Because you had to remake yourself
Remould yourself
You breathed life into your
Own self
Pulled yourself together
Glued your parts back into place

This is you now

How did you do it?
I don’t know how
But you did!

Copyright © 2014 C. JoyBell C. All rights reserved.

It's Time That Everyone Read This

       I have had some people email me, asking me what my "secret" is to "promoting" my work. They ask me how I get my work around the world and onto people's lips! They think I have mastered some skill at self-promotion! But I always respond in the same way, to all inquiries of this nature and today I want to address this publicly and respond to this publicly, for everyone to read!
       I want everybody to know that mine is not a tactic of self-promotion. It is also not a "skill" at getting my work "out there." It is simple— I have conversations. They are everyday conversations and the only difference is that I have these conversations through my blog, my Facebook Page, my Twitter and my Email. I have been doing the very same thing that I have been doing since I was a child— writing down and saying out loud, the thoughts that I have in my mind, which are more like the fruits of my eavesdropping on the conversations of Elves and Owls! And many of the things that I write and that I teach, are direct products of my dreams at night! Such has been the case, since I was a child. The difference between then and now, is that now I have an audience; I'm not just writing in my little, glittery notebook anymore (yes, I used to write it all down in my little pink and glittery notebook when I was a child.) No, this is not a skill that I have learned. No, it is not called "self-promotion." It is called being who I am and doing what I do, whilst inviting others to partake in whatever it is that happens as a result of that.
Image from Pinterest.
       I told one inquirer of my works, that it's more like I am feeding people, and people who need to eat will eat what they need to eat!
       I came across an article by another author, about how to "grow a following" by "engaging with people" as if engaging with people is primarily a ploy to grow one's audience and build one's name. To which I responded, that I simply talk to people because they talk to me, that I talk to people because they are worth talking to. And does this all mean that I am such a good person? Not really. Maybe I'm just an Elf and this is the way of the Elves! ;-)
       And that is all I wanted to say, to set the record straight, once and for all. Thank you all for reading the things that I write, it is an honour for me, that my work is appreciated and experienced by many people, from all over the world. Thank you for being here, for reading the things that I write, and for caring.

Love always,
C. Bells

What Is Black, What Is White?

       I have, these days, been contemplating on the reality of good and bad. Upon the actual existence of these concepts. I have noticed that these concepts are taught to us as babies, toddlers, children, teenagers, and even into adulthood. "This" is good. "That" is bad. So our understandings of good and bad are formed by the things around us; instead of within us. Now if our understandings of these concepts did not bud from within us; then they are likely to be creations of society, of religion, of social norms and popular opinion at any given time in history and the present day. And of course, those created concepts may have very well been influenced by the inherent greed of man— the greed for power and for money. After all, we see greed predominantly influencing the direction of many societies and cultures, the world over! All throughout history!
       So what is good, and what is bad? But what if good and bad are illusions? What if there is no such thing as good and no such thing as bad? What is the moral compass for right and for wrong, then, if it is not the illusions of good and of bad? Well I think that the moral compass for right and for wrong is that of the child. They are always telling us that children are born into this world void of the knowledge of what is wrong and what is right; but I beg to differ. I think that the understanding of a child, of right and of wrong, is the natural and undefiled understanding; the way things were meant to be and that's why we were born here on the Earth— to in fact be and remain pure and undefiled. Pure and undefiled, then, would not be the definitions of any religion at all! Rather, "pure" and "undefiled" would in fact be the very natural state that man and that woman have come into the world!
       So what is wrong and what is right, according to this pure and undefiled state of the human? I would say that pain is naturally wrong and pleasure is naturally right, and what needs to be cultivated in our minds as we grow from infancy into adulthood— is the ability to sense and to single out the pleasure that would inevitably lead to pain. Because pleasure that leads to pain is no pleasure at all! Pleasure that leads to pain is pain hidden under deceit. So the skill lies in growing up our children, and ourselves, to become honed in the skill of sensing what pleasure is truly a pleasure and also what pleasure is actually a pain. It is all about this, and nothing else! All else is some form of greed that is trying to deform our minds into subjugation!
       Some would argue that all forms of pleasure are pain and that the ultimate sign of godliness is selflessness. This is wrong. This is negative goodness (which is actually not a goodness, at all, or rather, is just plain wrong.) This is a "wrong." To remove from the mind the concept of the knowledge of pleasure, by destining it as a wrongdoing, as an act far away from godliness— this is to ensnare the mind and to actually keep the mind, the heart, the person, away from what is right, away from what is purely and naturally right!
       Many are held in contempt for not being "good enough people," meanwhile, those who would demand such selflessness from them are the ones who reap the benefits! It is a tactic as old as time itself! You must of course be selfless, so that I may reap the benefits of that goodness! Oh, you are a very good person because of your selflessness, God will richly bless you! Now let me sit over here and be selfish while I praise your goodness. It is a tale as old as time. Those who would enslave others with a negative goodness, those who propagate such, are in fact the ones brooding with evil. For it is an evil to manipulate, it is an evil to wish your own good at the expense of another's fall. Do all things in your own benefit; but make sure this is not at the expense of pain, of another!
       So what is wrong, is to cause pain to oneself and to cause pain to another. What is right is to reap joy in your endeavours and for your joy to be a cause of joy in others. But make sure that you are not giving out joy whilst not having any of it within you! This is not a godliness and this is not a right! They say it is a goodness; but this is a negative goodness; a wrong! You count for one in the multitude of people on this planet, do you not? And it is your honour to yourself and to all mankind to make a difference unto joy in your own life, is it not? What a hypocrite you are if you think it right to bring joy to all others while leaving none or getting none or bearing none, for yourself! Yes, a hypocrite! When you see the wrong in others without seeing it in yourself; you are called a hypocrite, are you not? Well what about when you see the right in others without seeing it in yourself; why should you then be called good and right? No! You are still a hypocrite! You are still wrong!
       It is right to have joy and to have empathy for oneself and for others. It is right to make an addition of joy to the world, by making sure that you are that one addition! This is right. I don't know about "good" anymore! What is "good"? I don't know about "bad" anymore! What is "bad"? I know that evil is manipulation, I know that wrong is what is painful for you and for another. Do not cause pain in the lives of anyone, if they have not put you in the position that you must do so. If you must save a life, save your own! But do not take another's in order to save your own, not unless they have put you in the position that you must do so.
       A heavy heart is a concept; it is the concept that almost everything you do is a sin in one way or another. Man is burdened into heaviness by the belief that his actions are a heaviness, are a burden unto what is "good." When we begin to see joy as holiness and laughter as religion—when that day comes— we will have reached freedom.
       And here is another thing I have thought of, that perchance good and bad are energies and that happenstance, the actual embodiment of "good" and the actual embodiment of "bad" are only manifested in the way that you master and curtail these very vibrations! This would mean that it is not a question of things being "white" or of things being "black" but rather, it is a question of how you master, direct and channel the grey!

Copyright © 2014 C. JoyBell C. All rights reserved.


A Friend Request!

       Hello, wonderfuls! :-) So today I signed up over at Tsu. :-) Tsu is a social networking site just like Facebook, but the difference is that they share 90% of their revenue with their users. So instead of being a passive user on a site like Facebook, you can be an active user on Tsu and earn shares as you add friends and share content! :-) The best part about it, though, is that they don't ask for your bank account info and they only ask for your tax info if you earn more than $600 a year. If you earn anything less than that, your tax info is kept to yourself. Of course, you do want to earn more than that, so here's to hoping you eventually do need to shell out your tax info and pay your taxes like a proper member of society! :-) But what's even better than that, is the fact that you have the option to donate your earning to any organisation or other person or entity of your choice! So let's say you've been sharing a lot of content, inviting and adding lots of friends, you've earned a lot in your Tsu virtual wallet, so on and so forth, and you want to donate your earnings to SOS Childrens Villages (I'm using this one as an example here, because it's actually an organisation that I support), well, you can do just that! When it's time to cash in your check, you just fill in their info instead of your own, or, you can go to their own Tsu account and under their name click "donate" and instead of going to you; your earnings will go to them! :-) But donation is not limited to organisations! Donations can be made to any other Tsu user on your friends list! So beyond friendship and fidelity, I am imagining selling personally signed copies of my books through Tsu in the near future (I would personally sign the copy, then you donate to me on Tsu, then I mail it to you from my own front porch, or more realistically, from the nearest Fedex counter). But that's just my imagination which may or may not take place. So back to the basics here— it's worth signing up for, if only for the knowledge that you're not just a sitting, passive duck with ads flashing in your face every day! Sure, ads will still flash in your face over at Tsu, but the good thing is that you're actually a part of the company! :-) And I like that! There's no reason why you shouldn't like that, too! :-) So consider this my invitation (you can only get in through invitation) to add me as a friend on Tsu, where you can send me messages and all the other stuff that Tsu friends do! You can even donate to me so I can buy new shoes this Christmas! Woot! Woot! :-D

Disclaimer: "Donations" can only be made from the revenue you earn in your Tsu virtual wallet; not from your own actual pockets (as far as I know at the moment.) So if you want to gift me with new shoes this Christmas, you'll have to accept my friend request, then start inviting friends and sharing content over at Tsu, right now! :-)

Disclaimer #2: I am not entirely 100% fluent on how this works to earn you revenues, so please don't take my above explanations as the gospel truth. :-) You can find out for yourself in the Tsu FAQs.

The Things I Mean

The Things I Mean

When I say I’m old fashioned
I don’t mean like 1952
But when I say I’m old fashioned
What I mean is
I’m a thousand years old
Place me upon a pedestal made of marble
I’m your Goddess

When I say my mind is wild
I don’t mean that I’m thoughtless
Or immature
I mean that my mind roams
Unbound and relentless
Invisible wildflowers bloom on my brain
The sun shines on them

And they grow

So I have a garden full of invisibles
Blooming on my brain
The sun brings them up and
All sorts of things crawl and
Leap amongst the flowers
You can’t catch these wild things
But you can understand them

When I say my heart is steadfast
That doesn’t mean I’m a doormat
What that means is
My heart is sometimes broken
But always laughing
What it means is that

My heart is like a lighthouse

My heart is like a lighthouse
On the cliff at night
The little man in the top
Never fails to light up the fire
Each night
So through those storms and
Raging winds

You still see my fire

And that’s what I mean
I mean that you can see my fire
I mean that no I’m not a doormat
I am steadfast to myself
But if you keep your eyes on me
I will light this night for you
I will burn in the night for you

My heart is for myself
My steadfast heart is for my own
No, I will not follow you around
But if you keep your eyes on me
You will always know the way
You will always find your way
You will never be lost

When I say don’t forget me
That doesn’t mean I’m desperate
But what that means is
You’ve probably become a part of me
And parts of one another
Shouldn’t forget each other
Because it doesn’t work like that

No, I never mean I’m desperate
What does desperate mean, anyway?
I mean that you shouldn’t be stupid
You shouldn’t forget things
That ought to be remembered
Things like me
Because I am to be remembered

These are the things I mean

Copyright © 2014 C. JoyBell C. All rights reserved. 

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