The Interview You Just Don't Wanna Miss!

       I very recently did the third segment of my author interview with Dr. Angela Meyers Cotellessa and I just realised that I had forgotten to make a write up on the second segment (sorry about that). For those of you who are just tuning into all of this now, the best way to catch up with me is by visiting my intro to this entire interview. Then you can catch the second segment here. But if you only have time to read one part of this conversation, I can tell you that this third part is the one you want to read! The first and second parts were geared more towards the benefit of the spiritual, scientific, and governmental sectors, of society. This third part is geared more towards the benefit of every human being. It's relate-able and ordinary. Hear me talk about love, relationships, friendship, parenting, mental health, and more. There is plenty of content in this article that will hit very close to home, for many!
       I am so very thrilled to be able to give this to all of you, thanks to the skills of Dr. Angela who is a trained interviewer and really an exquisitely crafted individual. As I explained in my intro article, she really does know how to pick your brain for anything that she wants! You can't mess with a woman like that, you just can't!

      It would mean so much to me for you to delve into this piece, think about it, share it with everyone you know, and ask questions! Keep it moving, keep it growing; I really do believe that many people can, and will, genuinely benefit from the words herein. And please, do not hesitate to ask questions or to raise a point of discussion with me. Leave me a comment here, or message me on Facebook or IG. Let's keep this brook flowing! 

What Have We Done To Relationships?

     What does your ideal relationship look like? What is its energy? What does it feel like? Your answer can tell me so much about you! About the substance of your mind and heart. My ideal relationship is Tris and Four from the Divergent series of novels/ movies. They didn't walk out their front doors saying to themselves, "today I want to have a girlfriend"; "today I want to have a boyfriend." Nothing like that at all. Their lives began to melt into each other, mold and flow into each other. Like clay, like water, like butter. They were partners in this life. They fought side-by-side, they were the same, they were both divergents, they both identified in the other, something they were amiss to find in others. They helped one another stay alive, they helped one another become better.

       The relationships of today are not relationships. Today, people say this: "I want to have a relationship and then I want us to make it work." Each person hands the other person a "program". A program similar to what we receive when we are seated in the theatre.  Onstage presentations are numbered and scheduled to be given at certain times. "I want to have a relationship and I want to make it work" is entirely a world apart from, "I want to meet a person who can join my life, who can understand my energy, who can help me rise (and vice versa)." Why is there any real reason to have a relationship with another person, in the first place, if not for the latter reasons?
     See, the first desire has a big gap in the middle of it, a gaping hole! It begs you to ask the questions: "Then what exactly is a relationship and why should it be present in my life right now, why should I have it, what does it mean?" Meanwhile, the second desire is the stuff that fills in that gaping hole in the first one: "I want another person who can intimately join my life, understand me, feel and flow with my energy, help me rise, and vice versa." It's the answer that fills the question, it's the stars that fill a blank night sky.
     People today are not desiring the latter; everyone is desiring the prior; the blank sky, the gaping hole. People are not understanding the nature of the stars that are supposed to stud that blank night sky, they are not grasping the stuff that is supposed to fill in the gap. People are embracing the gaping holes and groping around towards a blank night sky. "I want a relationship, and I want to make it work"; as opposed to, "I want someone who can intimately flow with me in my life, and vice versa."
       What is a relationship? It is the joining of two lives. How do you join another person's life? By understanding their energy, by understanding what they are feeling, by connecting to the fabrics of their being, by helping them form and become and by allowing them to do all of the same, for you too! If you don't know what a relationship is, if you think that it's an agreement that entitles you to hand the other person a program of expectations to follow, then you shouldn't even be looking for a relationship. Because you are living as an empty shell. It is not life. What is an empty shell? It is a thing which life has escaped. The living thing has left or deceased. It's just a shell. And that is what you are living as you maneuver yourself into the "relationships" that you desire (or the idea of a relationship that you so desire). And what is life? Life is walking out the door knowing that your energy would love to find another person's energy to hold and to mingle with and to understand! Life is wanting to understand another heartbeat and welcoming the owner of it to come in and to understand yours! Life is: "Here, right now, we are connected, we understand each other, I want to help you, I want to grow with you, I want to be your other half. I want to walk through this world with you."
     The actual reality of an intimate relationship, is as I have defined it here. What is going on everywhere, on a daily basis right now, is not reality! I mean, it is an unfortunate fact that it is the reality of the environment that we live in, and it is unfortunate, because, it is actually an unreality! We think that having a relationship means having the authority over another person's life: the authority to claim expectations, to make them act certain ways and follow rules, and vice versa. We are so used to being programmed, as a species, that we have turned the most intimate parts of our lives into programs of our own! We don't even know how to feel what's going on anymore, because all we know is how to run through the listless feelings of that program intended to make us reach certain life goals that we want to show to society (hashtag #relationship goals, hashtag #doingitright, hashtag #blessed).
     I want a relationship like Tris and Four. A divergent's relationship. "Divergent" is the exact perfect term to use here, as it would be a path diverging from the current norm and calling out to divergents, everywhere. Calling out to those with an understanding.
     We have forgotten about the old romances that defined what romance meant, and instead, we have replaced them with memes and hashtags. An ideal relationship is a picture of two celebrities cuddling, of two celebrities curled up together, saying nice things about each other... a checklist fulfilled by checking over each point on the meme: "If he's really into you, he'll always text you back... blah blah blah" so on and so forth. We have replaced the feeling of looking into someone else's eyes and understanding what that gaze means to us, with acting in a certain way and expecting someone else to act in a certain way. Nothing is actually heartfelt anymore. We have replaced love with duty. Love is dead, duty lives. The living thing inside the shell has deceased; we have idolized the shell alone.
     I want someone to join me in my life, to join their life with mine, to look into my eyes, and to see me.

The Observation, Understanding, Mitigation and Elimination of the Toxic Relationship

     We come across the term "toxic relationship" all the time, but taking an up-and-close personal look at the pieces and parts of it, means something else. But that's exactly what I want to do right now.
     The toxicity of a relationship begins with small doses of injections, very similar to how an illegal-drug user begins to inject him or herself with, for example, LSD. Except it is done to the other person (the partner) and not to oneself. So imagine two drug users bound together by the bond of being the trusted person to inject LSD into the other.

     Injections of jealousy here and there; a bit of anxiety here and there; some plays of power once in a while. A substance like LSD would trigger chemicals in the brain to sustain for longer periods of time not normally attainable without the drug in the system. Chemicals that we want to have running around in our system. "But why would anyone become addicted to a relationship that is not causing sustainable good chemicals but is actually causing quite the opposite: an overload of negativity?" Surely this is the question we all have in mind, and that many have been asking for a while now.

     There are all kinds of psychological explanations, using terms like "enabler" and "co dependent". However, I have observed that two people in a toxic relationship can become addicted to what I like to call "the dark matter of dopamine". What dark matter is to light matter in the universe, so is toxicity of a negative relationship to the dopamine sustained by a healthy one. The dark matter of dopamine. The parallel universe to the land of rainbows and sunshine. The "upside down" of Stranger Things on Netflix. Two people in a relationship can actually become addicted to this.

     It starts with little doses; a nasty comment here or there, a word or so meant to tug at the heartstrings that stir up anxiety, jealousy, paranoia or feelings of lessened self esteem. "But why would anybody become addicted to this?" You'd ask yourself. These triggers leave a space in the mind and heart where longing and yearning can be born and fester: a yearning to prove that he's faithful; a yearning to hear from that same person, the words that will restore your damaged self esteem; a longing to become "the one" because there are many others who are vying for that spot in his life; a longing that says "maybe today I will be worthy though yesterday I was not." These longings and yearnings festering within the spaces triggered by the toxic injections-- these are the substances that people become addicted to! The dark matter of dopamine!
     But why? Well, for one, it's an easier replica of a genuinely healthy relationship. Genuinely healthy and beneficial relationships can't be faked. So the next best thing is to live on the flipside of that. The positive yearning and longing associated with genuinely healthy relationships-- there's an "upside down" version to that!

     Those injectable doses eventually become lived-in, so the next doses need to be bigger... and then bigger... and even larger... toxic relationships can become so destructive, that many of them lead to sickness, disease and even untimely deaths. Not at all unlike the outcome of illegal drug abuse!
     By becoming aware of, and acknowledging, the "dark matter" alongside the picture of the "upside down", we will become more equipped to understand and to deal with the toxic relationships in our own lives and the lives of our family members and friends.
     Many people coming from a series of toxic relationships, or from serious and long-term toxic relationships, carry this pattern with them into their new ones without realising what they are doing, or that there is anything really alarming or different about their actions, at all! When a toxic relationship becomes the idea of a normal relationship in someone's mind, that is how we are able to recognize long-term victims of this type of substance abuse.
     How to stop it, then? In the beginning phases of this addiction, the answer is to say, "This ends, or we end." The recognition of the occurence of this substance abuse is the first vital approach, then the identification of the elements that are being injected into you (and that you are injecting back into your partner), followed by an acknowledgment that it must end now or the relationship ends now. The two cannot continue alonside together. These steps alone are already half of the battle, since the fact that this whole process eludes most is what provides it with the airflow in its spaces where it may continue to multiply.

     Then, ground rules! "I don't have the time or energy for this type of banter, it must end"; "if we are not making each other healthy and happy, then we should not be in each others' lives", so on and so forth. Firm and immovable decisions, coupled with the formulas to either negate the toxicity and stop it, or to end the relationship. And I mean end it. When there is a negative energy flow attached to something you are thinking of saying to the other person-- don't say it! Or, transmutate it into the opposite, into something positive and kind!

    Probably the greatest hurdle to curing the toxicity of a relationship, or to ending the toxic relationship completely, is the desperation to be in any relationship at all. This must be removed from your heart. The fear of being poisoned must be greater than the fear of being alone, or of losing someone else. After all, what do you gain even if you win the whole world, but lose your own soul? And, no, the person poisoning you is NOT your own soul. No matter what literature, romance fiction, pop culture and the movies have to say. No, don't just stand there and watch me burn, it's not alright and I don't like the way it hurts, no thank you!
     I hope this is helpful, wonderfuls! Please share this article with someone you feel really needs it! And do have a wonderful day!

What Is A Polymath?

     Hey, wonderfuls! I have something exciting to share with all of you today! The first part of my interview with Dr. Angela Meyers Cotellessa is finally live! I am both thrilled and honoured to have done this with her! Dr. Cotellessa has experience working for the US government and has spent some training time in one of her favorite places in the world, London!
     I was first approached by Dr. Cotellessa last year when she was writing her thesis on polymaths for her doctorate. She told me that she believes I am one, and that she would like to interview me. We decided to do something specifically unique to my case, though, and we structured the interview as a social media-shareable article, just a little over a month ago. 

     It was the most grueling interview I have ever done! It lasted FIVE HOURS and I was asked question upon question upon question, non-stop, with only seconds given in-between for me to even think of answers! By the time we were done, I was famished! I ate an entire watermelon! I felt like my brain had been dissected and laid out all on the table! I felt like there were walls in my mind that had been pushed aside and little things in corners with roots had been pulled out and inspected! This was all the doctor's style of scrutinizing, inspecting and testing my polymathy.
     I have here for you the first part of A Polymathic Thought Journey with C. JoyBell C., (YAY! YAY! YAY!), which has been edited into an intelligible format that can be easily followed by readers. While the format of the questions and answers has been arranged into intelligible structure, the words themselves remain in their raw form. Please, read up! Then ponder, discuss, share and ASK ME QUESTIONS! Let's keep this conversation rolling!

Things Noone Ever Warned Me About!

     I've reached a curious pivotal in my life. And I have been contemplating how to talk to all of you about it. Like, how do I even begin? It's a significant era in my life, I feel, and I think there are two factors causing it: 1. My age; and 2. The fact that my son will be an adult in a few months from now.
     Let's talk about number two first. I feel like I am THAT MOMMA. Yeah, if there were ranks assigned to motherhood, I'd be the Colonel, now! I watch my facebook friends post pictures of their babies's first day at the beach, and I recline into my chair, like a seasoned matron who regularly raises her eyebrows at everyone and doesn't have time for people with ugly shoes and unmanicured nails and no witts! And I indeed raise my eyebrows and chuckle to myself, "Been there, done that, what a long way they still have to go..." and my chuckle is a hearty one, one that makes me look like a seasoned matron with regularly raised eyebrows and constantly raised attitude! In fact, this all reminds me of way back when the matronly lady of such disposition was actually my icon. I would watch them at the malls (at Fendi, Gucci and Prada) and wonder about all their life experiences and how they seemed to be continuously whispering under their breath, "Bitch, please, you know nothing yet."

     Having a son who is preparing for college in two years, makes me roll my eyes at everyone and everything, for some reason nobody ever warned me about. And I am a serious eye-roller, really. It's what my ex hated about me the most (hahahha). This stage in my journey of motherhood is something that no one ever warned me about, in, well, ever! I didn't know my mind, soul and emotional availability would be influenced to such a degree as it has been! Everything is just so fucking different now. All we talk about is Law School, Advanced Placement school programs, if and when he should get married, if and when he wants to have children (he does), and so on and so forth. The narrative has completely changed. He is now thinking about (and I alongside him), the parts of life I feel I was just struggling with on Monday. You know?

     When did this even happen? When did this all begin? When did this overtake me from behind and prop me up on this fabulous throne of skulls and bones?

     And then there is age. I am now becoming, at my age, the woman whom I used to stare at 20 years ago and wonder to myself, "How does someone become so severe like that?" The anti hero, "Batman of our times" you have all come to love and cherish, may be very well tipping towards villain status (well, just as far as cinematics goes). I used to look at women my age now, and wonder what made them decide that the world and everything in it is full of bullshit that they don't got no time for! And it's sort of like I woke up three weeks ago, and voíla, thqt woman was me! I am so done with bullshit, that I am even done with my own bullshit! Like, that's how actually done with bullshit I am! I can now look in the mirror and roll my eyes at my reflection while calling myself a cunt. And then smile at the cunt in the mirror looking back at me. Because even I can't bullshit myself, anymore! It's one thing to call others out on their bullshit; it's a completely different story to call yourself out on your OWN bullshit! Now that's a whole new level of savage! Albeit, a much more mature level!
     I spent last year reaching my hands out, stretching my arms out, in every direction, so I could catch people, to hold onto them, and pull them inside, closer towards me! Then I began the second half of this year eliminating the need to do that, and really just waiting for anyone to prove that they want to be a part of my life, to step up and show me they mean it. Otherwise, "been there, done that, I don't have no room for that in my life anymore." I feel like I am preparing a Japanese Zen garden, seeking out and catering to the need for less.
     Less idealism, less conformity, less giving-a-fuck. Less! Life gets shorter and things we used to bitch about just don't matter at all anymore. Villains know that. Cruella de Vil knows that. Catwoman knows that. Loki, Darth Vader, and Magneto know that. The Wicked Witch of the West knows that (sorry, not really, but she looks great on this list, doesn't she?)
     So, as I raise my eyebrows on the daily and roll my eyes by the hour, please raise your glass to mine, wherever you may be reading this, to motherhood, villainhood, and no-time-for-bullshithood! May we all grow as wine does-- finer and snottier with age! Oh, and, if you're an eye roller too, may we all find the freedom to roll our eyes at ourselves and at others and even at the clock if we want to! And dump the guy if he has a problem with that! Cheers!

This Is Why You Should Believe In Immortality

To be alive in this world is a very strange, very odd thing. A life consists mainly of memories and of possibilities. A very small percentage (maybe around 1 percent) of life consists of interacting and reacting with the physical present moment. So, life, in actuality, is mostly concept, perception and memory. Somehow and for some reason, we go to sleep and wake up the next day and the day left behind is a memory while tomorrow is a possibility. And we have this one day to actually physically live. It is incredible: we are, in reality, living mostly intangibly in an untouchable form of experiencing life, while only a very small part can be touched, smelled, heard and tasted. It's like we don't really live here, at all! It's like we just come along every 24 hours to dip our feet in the river!

Now, if life were tangible (let's say, 99% tangible and 1% intangible), then we would be walking around, talking and moving about within something like a rubric cube of physical life sticking all over us, around us, surrounding us, like sticky tape! We would have yesterday's newspaper delivered again today, and tomorrow's newspaper delivered to us today, we would have the thunderstorm from ten years ago still roaring in our sky this morning and we would jump into a puddle from 20 years into the future, today! We would be walking around in a cube-like structure of sticky physicality.

So what does life consist of? We exist in memory and in possibility, and we have 1 day, every day, to build upon this physical world so that we can wake up to the products of that physical world, the next day.

This is why I believe that death is an illusion, with its ingredients brought upon us by the ingrained imagination that we in fact need to die. We don't even really exist very much, in the first place. We shouldn't have to die.

Before You Get Divorced (or Married), Read This!

       We are residing in a world, that is obsessed with relationships staying in one piece; a society obsessed with only one idea of a "happy ending", which is, the absence of an actual ending. People are taught to celebrate the relationships which last for 60 years, and to idolize such unions between two people. We are taught this, it is engrained into our minds through film, literature, societal pressure and religion. The holy grail of love, of marriage, of partnership.

       But happy endings can in fact be actual endings. I believe that we, as a society, should be able to celebrate people who choose to part ways with mutual respect and friendly understanding. Because in reality, the unions that seem to have no end, are really just the personal stories of certain individuals. It doesn't always happen that way. We like to tell ourselves that relationships are a result of hard work and other covetted inner values such as perseverance, dedication, determination; but what we are really doing, is trying to validate our admirable traits through the unions that we choose to have in our lives. Nonetheless, in reality, individual people create their respective unions that have their own unique stories which unfold in their own personal ways. We were all born in our own ways, we die in our own ways, we experience daily life through our own thoughts in our minds-- some unions last a lifetime, not because those people are perfect, are more hard working, resilient, persevering or dedicated-- they last a lifetime because that is their story. And really, nobody should be using their lasting unions as proof of their inner qualities as human beings.

       Not all marriages and relationships should last forever, that should not be the goal! The goal should be: to live in love, joy and kindness! If your union with someone else is not fostering a life of mental health, love, joy, healing and kindness; if it's not helping you become everything that you could possibly be, then it's time to move on, really. Truly, many times more often than mentioned, a divorce is the most selfless, kind and understanding act that two people can do for one another!
       We tend to believe that life begins and ends with a marriage or with a union. We usually forget that we were living our lives before it and that we will continue to live our lives after it.
       We should be celebrating the happy, thriving people; and if a divorce is what two people need in their lives to truly thrive and be happy, then we should celebrate their divorce as a success, just as much as we would celebrate a union of 60 years to be a success! In both cases, two people are happy and thriving. This alone should be the measure of how we celebrate and define our success and other people's success in this lifetime.

       Granted, it will always be incredibly difficult to separate from a deeper relationship, the choice has to be made in favour of a thriving lifespan, in favour of a happy lifespan. We worry what we are showing to our children--why? Shouldn't we be showing our children how to live a life of love, joy and kindness? Shouldn't we be showing our children all of the potential a lifetime has to offer? Shouldn't we be showing our children how to prioritize their mental health? That life doesn't begin and end with a marriage or with a relationship? Shouldn't we be showing our children how to forgive, how to make decisions in favour of their best health and happiness, and how to move on in life?
       Why are we seeing divorces as failures? We ought to see divorces as the ending of a chapter and the beginning of a new chapter. Just because something ends, that doesn't mean it was a mistake to begin with! It only means it lasted for the time it was supposed to last! People die every day. Does death mean that life was a mistake? Or does death mean that a life lasted while it was supposed to last?

       We truly ought to change the nature of our wedding vows; from, "'Til death do us part", to, "For as long as our journey together results in love, tenderness, kindness and happiness." Instead of saying, "In sickness and in health", we should say, "For as long as we do not cause each other anxiety or depression." Rather than saying, "For better or for worse", we need to be saying, "For as long as we both help each other become better people."
       The reason why so many marriages "fail", is due to the fact that wedding vows are harmful to both individuals involved. Wedding vows as so constructed in our days, sets people up for "failure", because, nobody should be promising to stay with any other person at the risk of their own mental health, self respect, joy and self-esteem. When we leave unhealthy relationships and toxic marriages, we are not failing; rather, we are giving our souls a chance to heal again, to love anew, and to thrive to our full potential.
       I am of course not saying that we should easily give up on our unions. But this is really needless to say. Because if it is any good of a union to begin with, we will not want to give up on it easily, anyway. People don't just easily give up on what or who they care about, that's just a given. It doesn't even need to be said.
       We need to be celebrating the joy and the love in other people's lives; not merely the longevity of people's unions. So much does change as centuries go by, so much does improve as centuries turn over; I believe that unions, marriages, relationships, and how we see and understand these, should most definitely be one of the aspects of our societies that we should push to improve upon.

       Consider revising the nature of your wedding vows, consider celebrating the choices of people to part ways with respect and friendly understanding, consider celebrating the actions other people take in order for them to thrive, to be healthy and to be happy. Consider rethinking what it means to "fail" and what it means to "succeed". Consider, and then share with others.
       I hope that I can help open up the world that we live in, to accept all the beautiful potentials that this lifetime has to offer! For myself, and for all others! Please share this message, then share it again and again!


I am tired of people telling sad people to "count your blessings, think positive, snap out of it, think happy thoughts" and I am tired of people telling sad people "you are so negative, you are not thinking right, you don't know how to count your blessings, you don't know how to look on the bright side..." Until this social elitist disease called, "I-am-so-positive-I'm-so-much-better-than-you" comes to an end, we will all continue to alienate anyone who isn't happy enough, who isn't positive enough, who doesn't smile enough...

Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain were 2 of the most carefree, successful, experientially-satisfied, eloquently-lifestyled, "counting-my-blessings" types of people living in the public eye, who both inspired me at some point in my life. And these two people hanged themselves within a day of each other.

At the end of the day, their positivity was fake. Their happiness was fake. And they just got tired of faking it!

No matter how much good food, good travel, good sense of humour, excellent lifestyle, cheerfulness and positive, carefree attitude that you have in this life, these things are not going to cure the deep and heavy longing and loneliness in the middle of your soul.

People need to stop telling people that there is no place in this world for their sadness, for their loneliness, for their darkness, anxiety, PTSD, depression... because guess what? When you tell people that there is no place in this world for how they feel, they are going to take themselves out of this world, out of a world that only has room for everything that they just don't feel on the inside of them!

This whole social elitist mindset of positivity needs to just stop! You're not better than anyone just because you read "The Secret", just because you say positive things, and just because you deem yourself happier! Happy people need to stop pushing sad people away! If you can't embrace someone because you are afraid that their sadness will infect you, that their darkness will infect you, then that only means one thing: your light is WEAK and your happiness is WEAK! What is the use of the flame of a candle, if the candle is placed in the daylight? Useless! The flame of the candle is meant to shine in the night!

It's time to put an end to the alienation of the darkness in people. People have a home in this world. No matter how sad or how lonely or how lost they feel on the inside. They have a home in this world, and they deserve their time in this world, just as much as any happy person does!

I am C. JoyBell C. and I live and battle with anxiety. And there is a place for me in this world. 🕯

#thereisaplaceforme #thereisaplaceforyou
#katespade #anthonybourdain
#timeforchange #endthestigma

A Love That's Better Than That

       I want all people to know that God loves them. And it is a pity how I have been asked, "Do you believe in God?" only due to the fact that I am outspoken about the deceptions of religion. It is such a pity that a person would equate God to religion. If I were to speak out against religion and its deceptions and fabrications, how is that saying that I am speaking out against God? It is not at all so! Not in the least! Do you think that your religion is responsible for bringing you close to God? If so, then you are the one who is further from God, and not I! This saddens my heart, that billions of people in this world relate God to a socially acceptable image which has been constructed from the fabrics of their own community. Let me ask you, do you truly, really, in your heart believe that the creator of Heaven and Earth can be found canned up inside of a set of pages that a certain culture wrote about Him? And then everyone else on Earth must keep this can inside of their homes and open this can on Sundays and eat from the can from time to time? Is that really your experience of God? Everyone who doesn't have your can of sardines is eternally damned? Then that makes us ALL eternally damned! You know why? Because every culture and every tribe has its very own can of sardines, and they all believe that all the other cans in the world are damned ones! And so, you all believe the same about yourselves and everyone else! Who is correct, then? Of course, it is you. Because since you were an infant this is what you knew. Along with everyone else, of course, who have known what they know, since they were infants, too! You think they are damned and they think you are damned. You think their holy book is a fairy tale and they think your holy book is a fairy tale! Do you even know the dates that your holy books were written and who published them? Well isn't this a wonderful circus we are all parading in?
       God loves everyone, He did not create the religions that so deceive and divide us, today. Who wrote the many holy books that exist? People did. Who writes upon the tablet of your own Heart and your own Mind? God does! Do you really trust what other people say God is, over your own experience of God in your life and in your mind? So then what does that reduce God to, if not an experience in your own Heart and Mind? That reduces God to a set of community rules and a set of shared holidays. That is all. Why do we care more about where we are going after death, than about how we treat our fellow man here on Earth, while we are still alive?
       Many wars have been fought in the name of God, many religions have been established in the name of God, and many holy books teach of "The One True God." And yet... do you know your God? What is the nature of your God? What makes Him laugh? What does His voice feel like? Have you experienced God in the way that I do?
      I feel like, God expects me to be human. I feel like, God likes me just the way I am: broken and empty and bruised. I feel like, God doesn't look at me and wish that I were something else, because He likes me just this way. I feel like, God doesn't want me to close my eyes and pray for Him to make me holy or for Him to make me pure; because He made me human. I feel like, God already knows I'm is I who needs to learn that. God loves you, and him and her and I... just as the way we all are.

I Give You A Key

       There exists two types of darkness: one is the kind that is likened unto the soil. And just like the seeds in the soil, we must thrust our roots deeply into it, because without it, we know that we will not be able to break out and into the light. We hold this type of darkness close, just as the roots of a plant grasp onto clustered grains of fertile soil. Then there is the other kind of darkness and that one is the type which would prevent us from seeing our gifts. The soil says to the plant: "Within you there is a stem and a leaf and branches and flowers and bark and fruit. One day you will see it, too." But the useless darkness is a true evil, and it says: "Stay down there, you have no gifts to bear." It is envy, it is contempt, it is smallness, it is wrath, it is lies. It is the darkness on top of the soil, on the other end, that whispers to the seed within the Earth: "Do not come out, the Sun is not here."
       Our ability to differentiate between the soil intercoiling with our roots and the nothingness that whispers, "Stay down below, there is nothing here", will determine everything in our lives. Who knew it never was actually about finding the light; rather, all along it was about knowing which darkness to trust!

Eliminating Pain

       I recently wrote an article wherein I asked the question "Why are you alive?" I also briefly mentioned "the anticipation moral accuracy" as a daily driving point for the human being in this day and age. In this article today, I would like to expound upon what exactly that means:
       The idea of moral accuracy is the cause of pain in the human life. It is not moral accuracy itself that is the root of all pain; rather, it is THE ANTICIPATION of it that is the root of pain in the human existence. The ideal marriage, the ideal relationship, the ideal friendships, the ideal mindset... all chains of moral anticipation which bind us in pain. If one exists within a certain state of moral accuracy, this is not the cause for pain. However, when one exists within the state of anticipating the moral accuracy of any situation or circumstance in his/her life-- this is the root of pain and mental turmoil in this world. To remove this idea altogether is to remove pain altogether. To uproot this root is to uproot pain. The truth is that the human race was not designed for moral accuracy, to begin with. These are merely invented concepts imposed upon the human mental faculty. Without these; we would not age, we would not disease, we would not feel turmoil. Remove this from your mind and heart and you will remove pain from your existence.
       Furthermore, the belief that we are all connected, or that we should all be connected and love one another, is an ideal propelling us towards the anticipation of moral accuracy. In reality, we really are not all connected. Very few of us are. So we should expect friendship and relationship from only very few others whom we are connected to. Some of us are born to parents we are not connected to. We never know, we cannot decipher the accuracy of the connection based upon moral accuracy. Moral accuracy states that so and so relationship equals connection. But reality shows us that connection may be nonexistent even between the supposedly closest of relations.      
       Human beings anticipate moral accuracy in all aspects and areas of life. From the marriage frame to the mundane text message received on facebook messenger. When these moral accuracies are not met with, these are causes for sorrows and mental anguish of the mind.
       Imagine a world wherein a divorced mother of three children who is too busy to prepare for Christmas and Thanksgiving and New Year, does not feel inadequate about herself and her place in life, because to her mind, her place in life is simply called "living". Her outcome is simply one of the many possibilities and NOT a broken version of an anticipated moral accuracy. She would not feel disappointment in herself, frustration in herself, she would not have anguish in her mind! She would be living her life and she would be happy while doing her best to live it.
       People of this world are in a race, every day, towards the attainment of their anticipated moral accuracies. They are not living; they are racing. And where to? All to their graves!
       Moral accuracies do not even exist in reality as a law. Gravity is a law of physics. Moral accuracies are not laws of nature; they are subjected to culture, opinion, society, and religion. They are not universal. They are therefore not attainable in reality. When they are attained, this is due to pure luck and not due to a formula. Formulas create laws. Not opinions.
       Moral accuracies exist only in the mind. It is a state of the mental faculty. But the state of our mental faculties, is what causes reality to appear in our lives: either disease and death or health and life! Either happiness or sorrow. Either joy or pain.
       The anticipation of moral accuracies is the cause of disease and death in this world, amongst the human race.

       Why do humans chase after these mental states, to begin with? Why do people expect these many things of themselves: to have these shoes, to wear these clothes, to have this marriage, this wedding, these children, that group of friends... why do humans chase such expectations, every day, when the human race was not even meant for such things? The human race is composed of carbon. A carbon species that races to achieve points of moral accuracies concocted in the mental faculties. The human race has never attained it in thousands of years, because it was not designed to attain it. It was designed to LIVE. And to live and to live.    
       People today are not living. People today are dying each day. And that is why they die, at all.
       To the human mind, moral accuracy is a holy grail. In all reality, moral accuracy is only a possibility amongst many possibilities. To turn a possibility into an absolute golden standard for a human being to follow, is a great error. Attaining a possibility is by both luck and idealism. And perhaps hard work. But many work just as hard as the next person, but without the luck involved, cannot attain what the next person has attained.
       So, the attainment of moral accuracy in a given circumstance is merely a possibility amongst many possibilities. And we are NOT all equally equipped to attain these, because we are not all equally set by life on the same directions. Of all our varied backgrounds and paths and experiences we have had in life... why would we even entertain for a moment, the notion that we are all equally set to attain a moral accuracy? And so, these moral accuracies, from the onslaught of them, already favour a select lot. That in itself shows the pretentiousness of it all; it cannot be a physically attainable law, because unlike gravity for example, it is not an equally distributed probability. It is merely a hypothesis. And a hypothesis jthat is subjective, I might add. It is not even a universally agreed-upon hypothesis.

       What's worse, is that we impose our own ideals upon others and we tell them, "This is how to be morally accurate, this is how to be correct, this is how to win, this is how to go to Heaven, this is how to be good." And so, we take an opinion that is influenced by one's culture, society, religion, background, neighborhood, childhood, school, workplace, and we demand the same of everybody else around us! We are very good at deciding the status of everyone else, aren't we? We are very good at knowing who exactly is going to Heaven and who is not, are we not?
       Pain, death and suffering ought to be removed from life. We must stop racing towards an illusion that we have imposed upon ourselves and others.

Why Are You Alive?

       Isn't it incredible, how us as human beings, chase after purpose? We crave for a sense of mission. But this is not only the root of human craving; it is also the root of human pride. When does a human feel the most proud? When he feels like he has accomplished his mission. When she feels like she has a purpose. Whatever "purpose" and "mission" means to that particular individual.
       Humans have forgotten to live. Humans are driven primarily by: 1. Conformity to an established social structure and the race towards their place of hierarchy in that structure; 2. The anticipation of moral accuracy (more of that in an upcoming post); 3. The race towards completion of whatever it is that is deemed to be one's mission or purpose in her/his life. And for the religious, the place of entry upon death seems to be their driving point in this life. To live this life in order to determine where one goes after death-- this seems to be the source of "purpose" for the religious individual.
       Why are we not living to breathe each day? Why are we not keeping on, because the colours of the Earth are beautiful to look at? Why are we not waking up in the morning because there are some people we want to show love to? Why are we not looking into our mirrors, feeling proud of ourselves, because we successfully arrived at today? Why do we live as if life is lived for one big moment of triumph? Some believe this "one big moment of triumph" happens in this life thanks to the attainment of purpose or the completion of mission; while others believe this "one big moment of triumph" happens when they die and find themselves in Heaven one day. Either way, why are you living your life for one big moment of triumph? Why are you not living it to breathe and to cherish?
       People say: "This is how to win" and "That is how you lose." But what if we're not here to win? What if we are here to live? One day, I will look back upon my life and I will say, "That's not the life I planned, but I lived it." I may not have lived the life I planned, but I will have lived the life that I have.

On How We Relate To Angels

The way that humans relate to angels and archangels, is in dire need of an update. Today, I would like to discuss archangel Raphael, the archangel of healing. We have a deity whose superpower is supernatural healing and rejuvenation, and we associate him with a picture in our minds of a very meek figure, rather frail, not fearsome at all.

Exhibit A: This oil-on- canvas painting by Bartolomé Esteban Murillo.

Raphael is certainly not depicted here as a fierce warrior being. But I believe that this is a mistake. A supernatural being who is able to slay disease, death, ageing, and mortality itself; must be a ferocious creature of warfare. To battle the core of man's mortality, and to overcome that core, requires one to be a fearsome warrior. I relate archangel Raphael to a very fearsome creature of power and dominance. A skilled warrior.

Exhibit B: This work of art by Carlos Quevedo

Now this is more like it. Although, I don't know about the blonde, flowing hair... but this is more like it.

Archangel Raphael is the warrior of healing in Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. Of course, many forms of himself can be found transliterated amongst other religious traditions, yet embodied by various names.

Now, with Michael we don't encounter the same problem, since being the archangel of war, he is naturally depicted as fearsome and powerful.

Exhibit C: This 16'th century painting by Guido Rhenus
il Guido

Michael, as we can plainly see, has always been depicted as the warring one. Rightly so, but, this is still not to say that the deity of war is the only one who deserves being depicted as such.

I believe that the way in which we perceive the supernatural beings whom we trust in, has an immense effect upon our ability to be receptive of their roles in our lives. And I think it's about time that we see Raphael as the fearsome and beautiful being that he really is. Afterall, he is the only archangel whose name directly corresponds to a Hebrew name of God (Jehovah Rapha, God my Healer).

Have you enjoyed this discussion about angels? Would you like to see more of this type of conversation from me? Just let me know, and have a wonderful day, wonderfuls!

My Issues With Hope

       I have been wondering about hope, the nature of hope, the effects of hope... even the usefulness of it (or lack thereof). I've been holding back from talking about my observations of hope, because I know how controversial these observations will be. But today, I think I'm ready to discuss this.
       I am convinced that hope is the most hazardous virtue in existence. Hope is the imaginary wind that lifts you up into the sky; the problem is that it's an imaginary wind. We are always told (and truly, we have all grown up hearing) "never give up hope." We have all come to grab ahold of this saying with a grip of death, and when we are able to hold onto hope, we take pride in the fact like it is a great accomplishment on our end. But in my life, I have come to relate hope to an imaginary sunrise; one that doesn't actually take place. You stand there and you wait for the Sun to rise in the horizon, but then it never actually does.
       Hope is the cause of pain, on a rudimentary level. If hope did not exist, I don't think that the deeper levels of pain would exist, either. And really, if something good is going to happen, then it's going to happen. It's not going to happen because you hoped it into existence. Just how many things DO happen, which you never hoped to happen? Did they happen because you hoped for them? Nope! Then what makes people think that the opposite would be true? Why should things happen as a result of hope?
       Nothing is actually affected by hope. Hope is a placebo tablet. It's not a medicine. It is a placebo. You think something is happening, but in reality, what's happening is just all placebo effect going on in your mind.
       If hope did not exist, then the non-materialisation of things hoped for could not ever cause anyone any pain. Life would not actually consist of disappointments; rather, life would consist of just that: life! Golden life in and of itself! Bad stuff just happens. And nobody can know when! But good stuff happens too; and nobody knows when, either!
       Life consists more of chance than of method. And more of unobservable quantum activity than of well-calculated patterns. Therefore, hope really does not have a place in the equation of reality. Because hope is treated as a constant: "have hope and all will be well." In reality, usually when you have hope in or for anything, what you're doing is drugging your mind into thinking that you're going to be okay, when in fact you're not going to be okay.
       Then what is supposed to make you feel good when everything hurts? , you're probably thinking. I think that the answer should not be "hope." Belief in better things-- yes. Sheer willpower-- yes. Trust-- yes. But sheer hope?? Sheer hope is for the dying. Sheer hope is the tablet given to the dying, by which the last blows of death become tainted with tolerability!
       Such strong thoughts and words on the nature of hope; startling and controversial. Nevertheless, these are the observations I have made while on this journey, on this planet. I hope (hahahaha) that my words will lead you to question and to think, on your own. And before dismissing this piece as utter blasphemy, please first consider the points I have raised.
       Does this all mean that I believe in living a joyless life? Of course not! I believe in Awe, in Faith, in Joyfulness, in Trust and in Charity. But hope? I have issues with hope.

What Inspires Me to Write

I recently shared the following post to my Instagram account; and I didn't know that it would evoke such positive response from many people! Seeing as it seems to be a very needed message in the world right now (judging from the comments I've received on it), I think it's best to share it here on my blog, as well:

You guys have asked me, so many times, "What inspires you to write?" And I have never been able to truly answer that question. But today I think I finally can (after 8 long years of being asked this). I am inspired to write, by the broken people in this world. And by the broken person in me. Countless readers of my work have come to me and have told me that my words have helped them come out of rehab, have prevented them from committing suicide... some even have my words tattooed on their skin so that they can see it every day! My words have shown up countless times in mental health magazines and have been discussed by respected mental health therapists from various parts of the world. But what you don't know, is that this hits very close to home. My father suffers from severe depression, something which I watched him overcome each time he would talk to me over video call, just so he could make me smile and not ruin my day talking to him! Throughout his adult life, he was in and out of rehab. Rehab for substance abuse and rehab for mental health therapy.
I witnessed my father become the butt of people's jokes and judgments, thanks to the tremendous social stigma surrounding mental health. Nobody wanted to meet him where he was at; they wanted him to wake up in the morning and feel thankful that there was sunshine outside his window!
I have just started Aerial Silk Acrobatics as an avenue for personal therapy. I feel like I am being taught how to fly again. It soothes my mind and it hurts my body like hell; but I also know that it is strengthening me!
People with depression, or other mental health problems, cannot just wake up in the morning and be thankful for the sunshine. Let's fight the stigma together, and let's strive towards our own mental health in what ways we can.
I am inspired by the broken ones. You are the lights that WILL shine the brightest!!!

I am so glad that I am finally able to pinpoint what it is (who it is) that inspires me to write! And I'm also happy to be sharing these photos from my first two aerial classes!

Aerial Dance is a very demanding form of acrobatics. It's painful and it requires strength of steal and true endurance! One day I hope to be good at it; but to get there I need to keep on training! If flying were easy, then we'd all be up in the sky! I wonder how much it hurts a butterfly as she earns her wings! 🦋🦋

My teacher says, "Make it look like it doesn't hurt!" And I think to myself, "Well that's something I'm good at..."
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