What Have We Done To Relationships?

     What does your ideal relationship look like? What is its energy? What does it feel like? Your answer can tell me so much about you! About the substance of your mind and heart. My ideal relationship is Tris and Four from the Divergent series of novels/ movies. They didn't walk out their front doors saying to themselves, "today I want to have a girlfriend"; "today I want to have a boyfriend." Nothing like that at all. Their lives began to melt into each other, mold and flow into each other. Like clay, like water, like butter. They were partners in this life. They fought side-by-side, they were the same, they were both divergents, they both identified in the other, something they were amiss to find in others. They helped one another stay alive, they helped one another become better.

       The relationships of today are not relationships. Today, people say this: "I want to have a relationship and then I want us to make it work." Each person hands the other person a "program". A program similar to what we receive when we are seated in the theatre.  Onstage presentations are numbered and scheduled to be given at certain times. "I want to have a relationship and I want to make it work" is entirely a world apart from, "I want to meet a person who can join my life, who can understand my energy, who can help me rise (and vice versa)." Why is there any real reason to have a relationship with another person, in the first place, if not for the latter reasons?
     See, the first desire has a big gap in the middle of it, a gaping hole! It begs you to ask the questions: "Then what exactly is a relationship and why should it be present in my life right now, why should I have it, what does it mean?" Meanwhile, the second desire is the stuff that fills in that gaping hole in the first one: "I want another person who can intimately join my life, understand me, feel and flow with my energy, help me rise, and vice versa." It's the answer that fills the question, it's the stars that fill a blank night sky.
     People today are not desiring the latter; everyone is desiring the prior; the blank sky, the gaping hole. People are not understanding the nature of the stars that are supposed to stud that blank night sky, they are not grasping the stuff that is supposed to fill in the gap. People are embracing the gaping holes and groping around towards a blank night sky. "I want a relationship, and I want to make it work"; as opposed to, "I want someone who can intimately flow with me in my life, and vice versa."
       What is a relationship? It is the joining of two lives. How do you join another person's life? By understanding their energy, by understanding what they are feeling, by connecting to the fabrics of their being, by helping them form and become and by allowing them to do all of the same, for you too! If you don't know what a relationship is, if you think that it's an agreement that entitles you to hand the other person a program of expectations to follow, then you shouldn't even be looking for a relationship. Because you are living as an empty shell. It is not life. What is an empty shell? It is a thing which life has escaped. The living thing has left or deceased. It's just a shell. And that is what you are living as you maneuver yourself into the "relationships" that you desire (or the idea of a relationship that you so desire). And what is life? Life is walking out the door knowing that your energy would love to find another person's energy to hold and to mingle with and to understand! Life is wanting to understand another heartbeat and welcoming the owner of it to come in and to understand yours! Life is: "Here, right now, we are connected, we understand each other, I want to help you, I want to grow with you, I want to be your other half. I want to walk through this world with you."
     The actual reality of an intimate relationship, is as I have defined it here. What is going on everywhere, on a daily basis right now, is not reality! I mean, it is an unfortunate fact that it is the reality of the environment that we live in, and it is unfortunate, because, it is actually an unreality! We think that having a relationship means having the authority over another person's life: the authority to claim expectations, to make them act certain ways and follow rules, and vice versa. We are so used to being programmed, as a species, that we have turned the most intimate parts of our lives into programs of our own! We don't even know how to feel what's going on anymore, because all we know is how to run through the listless feelings of that program intended to make us reach certain life goals that we want to show to society (hashtag #relationship goals, hashtag #doingitright, hashtag #blessed).
     I want a relationship like Tris and Four. A divergent's relationship. "Divergent" is the exact perfect term to use here, as it would be a path diverging from the current norm and calling out to divergents, everywhere. Calling out to those with an understanding.
     We have forgotten about the old romances that defined what romance meant, and instead, we have replaced them with memes and hashtags. An ideal relationship is a picture of two celebrities cuddling, of two celebrities curled up together, saying nice things about each other... a checklist fulfilled by checking over each point on the meme: "If he's really into you, he'll always text you back... blah blah blah" so on and so forth. We have replaced the feeling of looking into someone else's eyes and understanding what that gaze means to us, with acting in a certain way and expecting someone else to act in a certain way. Nothing is actually heartfelt anymore. We have replaced love with duty. Love is dead, duty lives. The living thing inside the shell has deceased; we have idolized the shell alone.
     I want someone to join me in my life, to join their life with mine, to look into my eyes, and to see me.


  1. We've replaced meaningful and lasting relationships with everyone wanting to "play their options" via texting and social media. Meanwhile we have isolation and loneliness at levels never seen before.

  2. Thank you for your thoughtful and heartfelt piece. Your observations are, in my experience and take on what is going on, quite accurate.

    Reminded me of a poem I wrote in highschool in what seems another lifetime:

    Mi corazon es como
    una roja gota de amor
    queriendo caer
    en los petalos
    de una blanca flor...

    The yearning remains but the raw, red passion and pure, white innocence seem to have died long ago... not only in my breast but in theatres and clubs, hollywood and concert venues, cafes and beaches and even out on the edges of what is left of our ever tamer wilderness. Something around and in us is dying...

    We need a different approach to relationships, love, life -- and pretty much everything...


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